I’ve been drinking since about 3 PM, and I don’t want to dig deep with my writing tonight, because all I want to do is watch TV and drown in self pity because I think I’m destined to ruin every good thing that’s ever happened to me. I think I’m meant to be miserable, and that thought sucks but it’s also comforting. It’s comforting because it’s an answer to something I’ve been feeling for maybe my whole life, and that’s whether I’m going to be with somebody or not. And I’m not. I can’t. I won’t let it. I’m stupid and self-destructive and oblivious to the stupidity and selfishness of my actions.

I don’t want to open up more than that. I had a really bad day, and the thought of keeping this blog updated feels trivial and pointless. So I’m going to end it here.

The Windows 8 deployment at school is going pretty well. I’m very happy with how it’s been going lately. Out of the 90 netbooks I’m working on, about 60 of them have been updated, with the remaining 30 left to go. These are the high school ones, and I just started with them today. I could be done with them all by tomorrow, which is fantastic. That’ll leave me with about 30 Lenovo laptops to update next week, and the hard part will be done. I can then create customized task sequences and deploy them easily to the desktops that need to be updated. Once I do that, I’ll be done and this project will be done and my main summer responsibility will be done. It’s really awesome, especially since these netbooks are running better than I’ve ever seen then run. The kids are in for a treat this Fall.

Life has been chugging along at a nice pace, and I’m neither happy or unhappy with it. It is what it is, and I’m I think I’m okay with that. I don’t know for sure. I wish I worked out more and read more and wrote more, but I’m still enjoying my break from all that, to a point. I’m doing my best to at least read, especially since I have two unread New Yorker magazines to go through. I received on yesterday, and I received another one today. I’m also still in the middle of White Teeth by Zadie Smith, so I’m not without stuff to read. As far as writing goes, I’m still not far enough removed from my novel to want to get started on it. It’ll come to me soon. I can feel that. But working out, that’s something that’s bothering me more than the rest. At first, I stopped working out because it was simply too hot. Then as I got used to not working out, it got really hard to simply get started, and now I’m back to struggling with that. I’m taking my pack test (for sure this time) next Thursday, and I want to be in somewhat good shape for that. I’ll try to pick my ass up and get started on that soon.

I’ve been thinking a lot about buying stuff for my home, and I think that’s a symptom to a problem I don’t know I have yet. Maybe something’s bothering me, or I’m unhappy or depressed or something, but, for some reason, I can’t see it yet. I know I can go a long time without buying anything because I’ve done it before, and the act of not buying anything made me happy. Do I think I’ll be happier if I buy stuff? Am I trying to fill some hole? I don’t know. I just know that I’m eager to buy stuff, and I don’t know why.

I’ve also been too concerned with old relationships lately, and that in itself could be a symptom to a much bigger and potentially dangerous problem I can’t even see yet. Hopefully I figure it out soon.

I received my very first issue of the New Yorker magazine, and I was uncharacteristically excited for it. Every mail day for the past week I’ve come home from work eagerly checking the mailbox. I signed up for this magazine weeks ago, so it was about time I got my first physical copy of it. I started to read it on my iPad and iPhone last week, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to hold something in my hands and read it, and I’m glad I finally can. It comes at an amazing time because I’ve been itching to read the news ever since I cut out RSS feeds a few weeks ago. I’m even visiting some of my favorite sites on a regular basis because I need my fix. Why did I quit in the first place?

I was tired of feeling burdened to go through and read my RSS feeds every day, and I was tired of the “blog-y” type of writing, like hyperbolic and click-baity headlines. It’s not that much better going to their sites manually and just checking to see what’s out there, but it has helped me reclaim some time. I find myself checking my phone less. I’m checking Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat a lot less than in the past, and instead I’m reading newsletters in Mail or reading stuff I’ve saved in Instapaper. I’m still learning more about myself in this regards, which sounds kind of overzealous but whatever, so I still need more time to really evaluate this part of myself. My desire to check my phone constantly is diminishing, though, and that’s a good thing.

I want to be a better and more voracious reader. That was my goal when I set it when I set it, which was whenever ago. I’m not amazing yet (if yet will ever happen), but it’s all about the journey, and I like it. I’ll get frustrated for sure, but that’s part of the journey. Remember how excited I was about photography? I think I have ADD. No, seriously, disregard the fact that I used to meditate 15 minutes every morning for the past year, and the fact that I really don’t have ADD, but I think I have ADD. I’m like Dug from Up yelling Squirrel! at every new thing that comes into my periphery. New Yorker! Books! Missoula! Photography! Working out! Writing! Girls! Bullshit!

I’m having fun, though. I think. I honestly don’t know. Like I wrote about a few days ago, it feels like I’m floating. Not sure what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway. Just seeing where life wants to take me, with no plan or goals or whatever. Just trying to beeeeeeeee. Is it working?

I fasted today because I’ve been feeling really unhealthy lately, and, in an act of completely openness and honesty, I didn’t want to wash my dishes from last night, which included my only plate and frying pan. I don’t eat cereal or anything else I don’t have to cook, so I decided to fast. It wasn’t a complete 24-hour fast, but it was close, about 21-22 hours. I had spaghetti and it was delicious. I used to fast all the time, but for the past year to year and a half, I stopped. I forgot how good it makes me feel, to fast. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel leaner, which sounds obvious, but it’s a feeling that makes me feel strong. And then when I have my first bite of food, that food tastes amazing, which I also missed about fasting. It was actually a great day to fast because of how busy I was at work. I’m practically done upgrading the Elementary school netbooks, and I learned a few good techniques for when I need to update the Middle School and High School netbooks this week and next.

One thing that’s bothering me about work are all the distractions. For example, yesterday the superintendent asked me to call one of the new teachers because he didn’t know how to switch users from the login screen in Windows 8. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? I had logged out, and when he tried to log in, my name was in the user name field and the page asked for my password. I didn’t cal him because he needed to figure it out on his own. There’s an arrow pointing to the left in the upper left of the screen, which is the universal symbol for going back. If he clicked on that, he would have gone back to the login page and been able to login. Sigh. Other types of distractions are teachers asking me to install apps, or especially when people call me to ask for trivial shit. For example, again, the superintendent asked me if anything was wrong with our domain. I said no and asked why. Apparently, two teachers weren’t able to log in to their computers. I checked it out and they were entering the wrong fucking password. I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. You just wasted 20 minutes of my day you stupid people. I thought teachers were supposed to be smart? Blimey.

I think I was cranky for not having any food today while at work. I was super cranky, but I had reason to be. I’m rebuilding the entire school infrastructure into something more modern and simply better than what it has ever been. This isn’t easy. This isn’t a walk in the park. I need my time and my focus devoted singularly to this one task. Leave me alone to do my work. The spaghetti was good and it made me happy.

I had my firefighter physical exam this morning, and the docs say I’m in great health. My blood pressure is great, my heart rate is great, and my doctor even told me that I have the healthiest ears she’s seen in months. There were a lot of tests taken, more than I’ve ever had before, and it was a relief to know I’m in good health. I really didn’t have any question about it, but it’s nice to have it confirmed officially.

Did I mention I finished Gilmore Girls last night? Yeah, I’m distraught that it’s over. Today I found myself having no idea what to do. I kind of want to rewatch it again, but instead I’m rewatching the first season of Daredevil. It’s a great distraction from the doldrums of life. Work, and I might regret saying this later, is boring me right now. I have projects, sure, but I don’t know… they’re not interesting me anymore. It feels like drudgery. I know upgrading everything to a more modern operating system will help me in the long run, but I’m not in the mood to work. I’m not in the mood to do anything, to be frank.

I want to spend money that I don’t have. I want to move and live somewhere. I want to stay and work on my craft. I want to leave and read. I don’t want to go firefighting this summer. I can’t wait to go on a fire this year. I’m being pulled in multiple directions and I’m just letting life happen to me. I’m not living it the way I know I should, can, and want to.

Sadly, something I cut out weeks ago is overtaking my thoughts: RSS feeds. I cut out RSS feeds a few weeks ago because I was growing tired of the internet, and instead I wanted to use that time I spent reading them toward reading books instead. That hasn’t really happened yet, even know I know I should be. Right now, even, since the sun is out and still shining brightly, I could read a chapter or two from my book, but I’m not going to. Instead, I want to watch His Girl Friday, The Apartment, or My Fair Lady. One of them. That or more Daredevil. I just want to lie in bed and not do anything.

Why? Why am I being so lazy? I don’t feel driven anymore. I’m like Benjamin Braddock floating in his parents swimming pool in the Graduate. I’m floating right now, adrift on an indifferent sea, slowly letting it take me wherever it wishes without a care in the world. I’m shrugging everything off without much thought to it. How much longer will this last? Until I’m fed up with myself, I think, and judging from past experience, that time is coming up soon.

I had my first writer’s group since college, and it was nice reading my stuff aloud and getting feedback for something I wrote. It was fun and invigorating and I want to do it again. I realized I’m also very vulgar, and that’s something I might need to change, especially if I want to attract women readers.

I’m about to finish watching Gilmore Girls. I have two episodes left, and I’m going to watch them right after this entry. I don’t know what to say about it except that I really really liked this show, and I know I’m going to rewatch it again in a few years. I’m going to miss Stars Hollow and Lorelei and Rory Gilmore.

I went to the park and read a little bit of White Teeth by Zadie Smith. It was such a beautiful day, but the park benches are uncomfortable and there were seagulls everywhere. I was afraid they were going to shit on me or something. I miss the USC campus. That place had beautiful scenery with very comfy benches. I remember lying down on one and talking to a friend for hours and hours and not moving one bit. I haven’t had that thought in years. Wow.

Before I start writing each entry, I write the number of the day since starting this blog, which is also the number of consecutive days I’ve kept it up to date, and today it’s Day 280. I started this blog 280 days ago, and I’m closer to the end than I am to the beginning. I don’t know if I’m going to miss updating it every day. I won’t stop writing, but there’s a difference when it’s online than when it’s private. I’ll see later, right?

This was a very long status update, wasn’t it? Not much is happening in life. And today, I’m okay with that.

I went to Missoula today, exchanged a bunch of books for store credit at the Book Exchange and came away with On Beauty by Zadie Smith and Ulysses by James Joyce, then went to Hastings, looked around a bit and came away with just the Complete Stories by Franz Kafka, and finally I went to Shakespeare & Co. and bought NW by Zadie Smith, Herzog by Saul Bellow, Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller, two books by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Purple Hibiscus and Half of a Yellow Sun. When I’ll have the time to read these books I don’t know, but I like the little collection I’ve amassed over the past few weeks. I have about $20 in credit at the Book Exchange, which comes out to about 2-3 paperback books, so that’s cool. My favorite place by far is Shakespeare & Co. The other two stores are too big and less personable and I didn’t like them so much.

I’m restless. I want to go somewhere to just hang out. Ronan has nothing. I want to go to a coffee shop or some well-lit place with a couch and a bustling nightlife where I can go with my laptop and a few books and just hang out for a few hours. Even though I’m an introvert, people give me energy. I don’t need that energy all the time — god knows I can get tired of people pretty quickly — but when it’s just me 24/7 for weeks at a time, I can get pretty close to losing my mind. I know a solution to this problem is finding friends and hanging out with them, either at my place or theirs or somewhere else I don’t know exists yet, but… there is no but. I’m simply not trying hard enough. I’m still clinging to the past and want to fix those relationships I used to have that gave me this, but holy shit that’s a bad idea. I’m 29 years old and making new friends isn’t easy.

Ronan has a park. I can walk there with a book or two, sit on a swing, and read for a few hours. Maybe someone I used to know will recognize me and we can start a conversation and maybe start hanging out later. Or maybe I’ll see somebody interesting and I’ll approach this person, strike a conversation, and hang out with this person later. Who knows. Maybe I need to write again, to keep my mind occupied. Write and read and work out and write and read and work out and write and read and work out. Live my days like some lab rat in a cage. Or maybe I need to move. I’m still dreaming about grad school. Grad school could be an option. I could move to New York or Boston or even back to California. Life is limitless. All I have to do is get up off my ass and do what I need to do to ensure my happiness. I wish it was easy.

Today marks the end of a pretty good week. I didn’t work out or write or do that much reading, but I still consider it a good week because I made some great progress at work. I finally went ahead and started upgrading all the Elementary school netbooks, and out of the 30 I tried, it looks — looks! — like only three of them failed. I won’t know until next week, but I’m optimistic. If this worked, then that means I can upgrade the 60 more netbooks next week and hopefully be done with the hard part. The desktops should be easy.

I started the seventh and final season of Gilmore Girls today on Netflix, and I’m so sad that this show will be ending soon. It’s so good and it inspired me to do some great things and learn about things I never knew to be interested in before. My list of things to learn has increased by a kazillion things since starting this show a few weeks ago. I’m glad I started watching this show because I really really liked it and it gave me dozens of hours of entertainment.

I have a packed weekend up ahead. I’m planning to go to Missoula tomorrow, buy some more books, hopefully exchange a lot of unwanted books into credit and buy more books, go shopping for new shirts, and maybe watch a movie in a proper theater. Then on Sunday I’m meeting my sister and her writer’s group at her place, and we’ll be hopefully reading the first chapter of my novel. I’m nervous but not nervous. (Great writer, right?) I’m used to writer’s groups, but it’s always nerve-wracking when it’s something new. We’ll see.

I’m really excited for this weekend. I love driving, I want to get to know Missoula more, and I need to get out of the house. Here’s to me trying to fix my life.

I’m 76% of the way through my year. I have three more months of this, just through the summer, and I’m done. If I didn’t have this nightly ritual right now, I don’t know if this project of mine would have taught me anything or solidified any good habits to last a lifetime. The summer makes me lazy. It’s summer, it’s hot, and all I want to do is laze around. In the last two weeks, I think I’ve only worked out once. I haven’t written since finishing my novel weeks ago, and I spend most of my time in bed watching TV. The one thing I’m most looking forward to this week is going back to the bookstore in Missoula and buying more books I won’t get around to reading for months, maybe years.

I’m not bitching or anything. It is what it is, and I’m doing it by my own volition. I’m consciously not working out or writing because I don’t want to. Not really. I’m living with my new system and trying to see how it works and how it feels, and so far, it’s going okay. I don’t know if I should be any harder on myself, but since I was so hard for months, I’m going to relax and let myself be who I want to be right now.

I do want to do things, though, and these things have been occupying my thoughts lately. I want to go outside, sit by a tree somewhere, and read for a few hours. Maybe even get a tan in the process. I want to work out in the mornings, but I want to find or design a workout that doesn’t last too long and will keep me in semi-good shape until I feel the need to work out harder. And I want to write fiction, but not that much. I feel the need to read more and just try to become a better reader. I’ve always felt my skill as a reader was lacking, and the only way to get better is by doing it.

And, obviously, I want to hang out with people, even if just once a week. I simply miss talking to someone. Talking intimately, getting to know someone, telling them about me and learning more about them. I miss that. I miss inside jokes and adorable quirks and making each other laugh by simply making a stupid face. That mostly sounds like a girlfriend, and I think that’s very true. I need a girlfriend.

I have a quarter of a year left and I want to really make that time count. I don’t know how or what I’ll do, but I’ll try to figure it out. Maybe it starts with Missoula.

I have to write. I’m paraphrasing here, but I watched this talk today with Zadie Smith, and she said there are two types of writers: there’s the writer who writes from all the stuff she’s read, and a writer who writes from experience. She said she’s a writer who writes because she reads a lot. I’m a writer who writes from experience. I don’t read that much. She quoted Nabokov or somebody who said all writers are influenced by the stuff they read when they were between the ages of seven to eleven or seven to fourteen, or something like that. I barely read at that time. I don’t know what I did. Played video games, I guess. I did most of my reading in my mid twenties when I lived with my mom with no job and nothing to do. I love reading, but it’s not one of those things I grew up with like some of these other writers. I write because I have to. I have to get it out, whatever it is. I don’t care about what’s been written before, what’s been said before, because who cares? I don’t know. I write because I have to. That’s all there is to it for me.

One of the biggest reasons why I want to close down my blog is because of how lasting and public it is. These aren’t essays. I’m not spending days and weeks on my words for each entry. I’m writing this entry half-drunk on Pinot Noir while lying down in bed with my head barely lifted up by my pillows to see the screen. It’s hot and I’m in my underwear and I would rather sleep or watch more TV than write right now, and I know that ambivalence shows through. I’m not respecting my readers, and I’m not respecting my craft by doing this. I’m doing it because I need to check it off from my todo list. Instead of promising to write something on a daily basis for a full year, I should focus on quality over quantity next time. Even something like an essay a month seems much more doable, even if I write each entry on the second to last day of the month. It’ll be a burden twelve times out of the year other than a daily thing for a full year.

Zadie Smith also said that it’s good, even essential, to take months, even a year, off from your novel if you can. She said she wishes she could be able to do that with her stuff. I don’t know if I want to take a year off from it, but I have taken a few weeks off from it, and I feel good. It’s not the end of the world. I do like thinking about starting some short stories, but I like thinking about it more than actually doing it. At least I’m still writing these entries, right? These entries are like appetizers before the main course if I dreaded the main course.