I’m staring at all the boxes of stuff that’s the primary reason why I drove down to San Diego from Montana, and I’m sitting here thinking about my car, which is in the shop, my home back in Ronan, my family, my friends, my job, my blog, my health, my accomplishments, my failures, everything I did and didn’t do in 2014, and I’m grateful for all of it. I knew something was going to happen to my car, but I’m willing to pay the price to get it fixed as long as I can get back home with more than when I left it. Yes, I’ll have more stuff, but I’ll also have that experience of driving almost 3,000 miles across the western United States. I’ll be spending the holiday with family, my first new year celebration on the west cost in years, and that’s something to be super grateful for. And I’m spending a week away from my routine, to force myself to be flexible and not be so strict to a schedule and lifestyle that doesn’t allow time for fun. Of course I love everything I do and everything I’ve done since I started this blog, but like I’ve written about so many times before, this lifestyle can’t last, nor do I want it to last, forever.

2014 was a great year. My life changed more this year than it had in a long time, even more then when I first moved up here, I think. I think I built a great foundation for 2015 to be an even better year. It’s going to start off with over 120 days of Insanity, some stuff to make my home feel more mine, and a newfound confidence to do even more. Without testing my limits, how do I know what I am and am not capable of?

A part of me still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. A few months ago I had this crazy idea that involved driving over 1,300 miles from Montana to California for the purpose of picking up the rest of my stuff and buying some furniture and driving back again once I did. I’ve already done over 90 consecutive days of Insanity, and I’m sitting here excited to do over 120 more. I’m over 35,000 words into my second novel, and I’m planning to finish this draft sometime around June of 2015. I have a great job, and 2015 will see me earning even more than I’ve ever earned in my life. There are so many things to be grateful and excited for that life seems good. I am worried about my car and the possible hole that’ll put me in financially, but that’s it. Everything else is awesome, and I’m glad I could share it with people I love, and that includes everyone reading these words right now.

Thank you.

Here’s to 2015. Happy New Years, everyone.

I’ve been playing Cards Against Humanity and Settlers of Catan with my family, and I’ve been having a bunch of fun. I’m currently winning at Settlers of Catan, and they’re all ganging up against me! It’s so ruthless! But so much fun. It’s also very late, and I don’t think I have the time or energy to write more than 500 words.

Other than that, the only eventful thing that happened today has to do with my car. During the last leg of my journey down here, my steering wheel began to be really tough to turn. I thought I might have fucked something up with my transmission, which freaked me the fuck out. My mom and aunt told me it could be something to do with the power steering, which relieved me because all I had to do was buy some power steering fluid. I did, added some to my car, and it worked! I was so relieved. Now tomorrow I’m going to go to IKEA, buy my furniture, celebrate New Years, and have some more fun. Other than that, I finally reunited with my 10 boxes of books, and we missed each other so much.

Okay, okay, time to win this game!

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried sleeping on the side of the road, but it was too cold and too loud for me to sleep. I drove on some more until I noticed that I drifted onto the other lane unintentionally. I pulled over again and tried to sleep, but for about 30-45 minutes, I again couldn’t sleep. So I drove on some more, and I’m glad I did. I drove through Vegas at around 3 in the morning, and all the lights were bright and the city looked lively. It was my first time ever being in Vegas, and even though I drove straight through this time, I plan to come back and really visit this city at some point.

I’m writing this post on my phone because it’s been a busy day, and I’m not near my laptop. It’s 10:40 PM Pacific time, making it around 11:40 Montana time. I didn’t want to miss my Montana deadline, so I can’t wait to go home to write this. This entry might not make it to 500 words, but I’m on vacation, so I should relax a bit, right?

I’ve only had maybe 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, so I’m tired. I just played a game of Cards Againsr Humanity for the first time with my cousin and brother, and I had loads of fun. For the previous 5-6 hours, I spent the day with my other cousin and brother shopping. I bought a new pair of shoes, and they’re awesome. We stopped by IKEA, and I examined all of my choices that I planned to buy while down here, and for the most part, I liked everything I chose except for the rug. I found something better and cheaper, and I’ll be super happy with it at my home.

I wrote 33 words in my novel before I crashed for a 2 hour nap. I haven’t been home since to add any more. I’m okay with that as long as I don’t skimp tomorrow. I ate a carne asada burrito, many cups of coffee, some chicken tamales and beans. Super Mexican, super tasty, super satisfying. Yup, I’m on vacation!

I’m parked on the side of the road right now, tired and a little bit annoyed. I’m in Arizona, and for some reason, Arizona doesn’t believe in LTE or even 3G, so I had to drive a little longer than I would’ve liked since I stopped about 45 minutes ago to write this entry but realized I had no cell service. First world problems?

Anyway, I’ve been on the road for close to 15 hours now. I packed up all my stuff: a duffel bag full of my clothes, toiletries, and even my Primal Fuel, just in case, my messenger bag with all my electronics, my pillows, and a care package for my mom from my sister. Then I went outside to start my car, only to find it covered in snow. Hopefully this didn’t mark the beginning of something awful for this journey.

I drove south from Ronan, Montana on the I-90 until I hit the 15 South highway, and I’ve pretty much been on that highway since. I hit the south western edge of Montana, where I entered Idaho and saw this beautiful reservoir there that I had to stop and take a picture of. America is beautiful.

From Idaho I drove south for a few hours until I entered Utah. I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been in Utah, but Utah is a damn big state, so that’s where I’ve spent most of my time. It was funny seeing the two lane highway in both Montana and Idaho increase to three, four, and even five lanes in Utah. Utah is big and beautiful, and I think maybe one day I’ll come visit this state properly.

I stopped maybe 5-6 times to gas up and buy some drinks. In Montana, I stopped at a Safeway in Dillon, where I bought some Starbucks¹ and a bottle of water. For food, I packed a big gallon bag of my patented trail mix², which has held me over through the whole trip.

During my last gas stop, after filling up my tank, I went inside and bought two more bottles of water. Once I went back onto the road, Siri redirected my route, and like I have been the whole trip, I listened to her and followed her directions. Unfortunately, for some reason, I missed an exit, so she re-routed me toward some other road. The plow king decided this out-of-the-way road didn’t deserve to be plowed, and when I realized I was supposed to be on it for over three miles, I decided I should just do a U-turn and enter the exit I missed earlier. Unsurprisingly, the road was too slick for me to perform the tight turn, and my car ended up stuck in the 2 foot deep powder.

I tried just stepping on the gas, but I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t want to blow my engine, so I went outside, took this picture, and started to kick the snow away from my tires, because I thought that would help. It didn’t. I studied my situation, saw that if I just reversed from whence I came, I could have a shot of getting out of my little jam. I did!

I went back onto the forgotten road, drove until I merged back onto the 15 South, and I’ve been on that road since. I’m about 90 or so miles from Las Vegas right now. I did think of going to sleep right here in my car, but now that I’ve written this entry, I’ve found a new surge of energy that may last me through the rest of the night. We’ll see.

I’ll let you guys know tomorrow.

On October 1st, I began the Insanity: the Asylum Volume 1 workout. By the end of October, I completed the program, took a day off, and began my next workout: the Insanity/Insanity: the Asylum Volume 1 Hybrid workout. By the end of November, I finished that workout and set my sights on another challenge: the Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2 workout. Today I finished this workout. Instead of immediately starting my next workout, which is going to be the 60 day Insanity Max: 30 workout followed by the 60 day Insanity Volumes 1 & 2 Hybrid workout, I’m taking a week off. Tomorrow I drive down to California to spend the New Years with my family, and I won’t return until sometime next weekend. I hope to return with the rest of my stuff — books, DVDs, miscellaneous items — along with some much needed furniture. I’ve never driven this far and this long before, so I’m nervous about how I’ll react to this trip, but I honestly think I’ll be fine. It’s kind of like pre-game jitters, I guess.

I’ve been thinking about this trip all day today, and some of the things that worried me a few weeks ago don’t anymore. I was worried that I may not have the time or energy to keep updating my blog on a daily basis, even though my goal since day 1 was to write daily for a full year. I now don’t think that’s going to be a problem. I’m bringing my MacBook Air on this trip, and all I have to do is either pull over, pull my laptop out, and start writing, or I could stop for some food somewhere, bring my laptop, and start writing there. While in California, I could easily set aside 30-60 minutes to write. I’ll be with family, not in jail. Another thing that worried me was maintaining my habits and routines. I won’t be working out by design, so that’s something I don’t have to worry about. I may have to break my diet, but that’ll be okay since 100% of what I will eat won’t be terrible food. Some to most of what I will eat will be stuff I’d eat regardless. The rest, though, is what worried me, and thankfully, I have OmniFocus to help me with that.

In OmniFocus, I have eight contexts. They are: Morning routine, Nightly routine, Focus, Home, Tech, Errands, Work, and Waiting. The only contexts I’ll be focusing on during this trip will be my Morning and Nightly routines. Everything else I’ll defer to a week later, since that’s when I’ll be back home. The big tasks in each of my routine contexts are my writing tasks. Every morning I write my novel, and every night I write my blog entry. The rest of my routines are simple and I can easily do them every day I’m in California. And since I have to and I love writing, I will find the time to write. If that means slinking away into my car and hiding out there for an hour in the morning and at night, then so be it. It has to happen, so it’s going to happen. Other than that? I’m on vacation, so I’m going to relax and have some fun. That’s the whole point, right?

Here’s a promise to you guys: I’ll see you back here in 24 hours. I’ll be on the road somewhere in America with a story to tell, and you guys will be the first to hear it. Failure is not an option here, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

In Bruce Lee: Artist of Life, Bruce Lee wrote:

…if you are cursed with perfectionism, then you’re absolutely sunk. This ideal is a yardstick which always gives you the opportunity to browbeat yourself, to berate yourself and others. Since this ideal is an impossibility, you can never live up to it. You are merely in love with this ideal, and there is no end to the self-torture, to the self-nagging, self-castrating. It hides under the mask of “self-improvement.” It never works.

[…]

Many people dedicate their lives to actualizing a concept of what they should be like, rather than actualizing themselves. This difference between self-actualizing and self-image actualizing is very important. Most people only live for their image.

After reading this today, I felt like I was slapped in the face by one of my mentors. I’ve been focusing too much on the image of who I could be rather than who I am. I loved the idea of going on a journey toward becoming someone else. I would imagine what this person would be like, what this person would feel like, and it excited me. I never really considered who I am right now at this moment. I never once considered that maybe the man I am right now is the man I’ve always wanted to become. I’m forcing myself to keep moving my feet, to keep pushing myself, all in an effort to change myself because there’s this feeling at the back of my chest that I have to change who I am to become who I want to be. But during these past few weeks, where I’ve described (for the most part) my consistent happiness, I’ve been living a life as someone I’m happy to have become.

Would I have gotten here without this journey? I don’t think so, but I do think I was too hard on myself before. I wasn’t happy in the beginning. I hated who I was, and I wanted to run away from that as fast as possible. Once I owned my actions, though, I started feeling better. Once I owned who I am, I became happier. Bruce Lee talks a lot about finding the essence of who you are, and that’s something I’m having a tough time understanding. I mean, I understand what he’s saying, but I’m having difficulty figuring out how to find my essence. I think that’s the point, right?

Nothing worth doing is easy. Changing my perspective from who I want to be towards who I am is hard. It’s easy to imagine this perfect image of this person — this stranger — in my head and feel envious and motivated enough to try to become him. It’s hard to accept who I am, to own all that I’ve done, and remove these concepts of someone else and focus on the facts of who I am, on unleashing the full essence of my being. But the thought of doing so is exciting. For as long as I can remember, I was driven by how other people saw me. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be seen as smart, I wanted to be seen as strong and confident and honorable. A lot of my actions were driven by these thoughts of strangers, and I never gave myself the opportunity to express who I really am.

I’m imperfect. I can be selfish. I can be narrow-minded and forget that the world does not revolve around me. But I’m also kind and loving. I’m creative and dedicated and ambitious. Of course I’m other things, too, both good and bad. The journey is to reveal and own all of these different aspects of myself. To be confident in who I am and to be as in touch with my soul as I possibly can.

And all that, to me, sounds like fun.

I spent time with my family today, and I had a lot of fun. I played with my nieces, fed some cows and horses, and played games with the whole family. I was gifted meat — meat! — for Christmas and an Amazon.com gift card, and I was truly touched by these gifts. My friends and family get me. You want to make this man happy, you get him some meat. That’s all I gotta say about that.

I broke my diet today, too, and I don’t know how to feel about that. I made it up by kicking my ass during Insanity, but I don’t know if that truly makes up for it. I ate some enchiladas, which have cheese, and I ate like three cookies. I know that may not sound that bad, but when my body started rejecting the food minutes after having my first cookie, I knew I wasn’t doing something right. But I guess I gave myself a pass today, and I’ll just have to work that much harder to get where I want to be. And to be honest, every time I take off my shirt and put on my workout clothes and I just see myself, I’m really happy with what I see. I am genuinely afraid that I won’t be able to control my impulses when I break my diet like I did today, but I don’t know, I feel like I can this time around.

I have two more days of Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2 before I’m done with the program, and my weight barely changed, but I think my body composition changed a bit. My arms look a tad bit bigger and more defined, and I can see a bit more of my abs, especially my lower abs. Volume 2 really targeted the obliques, and I can see the progress on my body, which is amazing. I’m taking all of next week off during my trip to California, so I’ll be eating more calories (and possibly lower quality calories, too, unfortunately) than I’m used to, and I most likely won’t do anything to burn them off. I think the trade-off will be worth it, though. The trade-off, of course, being my books and other stuff, as well as furniture and spending time with my family and friends.

I know it’s strange that I spend so much time writing about my health and fitness, especially on a day where I shouldn’t care so much about it. I guess a lot of it is driven by fear, and, again, I’m afraid that if I give in then everything I worked so hard for these past few months will be for naught. It’s irrational, but I have to live with it, and by writing about it, I force myself to try not to feel so bad about it.

It was a great day today, and I should focus more time and energy to that than to my diet. But only for today. I have two more days of Insanity, which means two more days of intense focus and ruthless control. If I can do that, then I’m good to go.

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone else’s holiday was amazing and joyous. Mine was.

One thing I used to do was repress any and all emotions that I didn’t like. By ignoring them, I believed that they didn’t exist and that I was just as happy as I wanted to be. Over time, I started feeling numb because I was never truly feeling what my body and mind was telling me I needed to feel. I would punch walls, hurt people, lash out, all because I couldn’t contain all those repressed emotions forever. Writing helped. Writing helps. But there was something I wasn’t doing, and I didn’t know what that was. I was always an emotional person, but I don’t think they were for the right reasons. During therapy, I learned to let go and feel everything. Every lingering emotion spilled out and I felt everything, and it felt good.

I think I need regular people in my life. By that I mean people — friends — I see on a semi-regular basis. Maybe not daily, but at least a few times a week. Sports, maybe. Today I went to work, and I was the only person there, and everything was turned off, locked down, and lonely. I needed to do some things because today was my last day until the 5th of January, but nobody was there, and that made me feel sad. The silence and solitude helped me get more done than I planned for, and besides a brief stop at the grocery store, I spent today with practically no human contact. But don’t feel sorry for me since this was by choice. I was invited to my sister’s place to have Christmas dinner with her and her family, but I had to work out and eat well and read and write. I had to do what I need to do every day, so I turned them down for tonight, Christmas Eve. I’m coming tomorrow to their house to see them, but that’s tomorrow and tonight’s right now.

Even though most everything went well today, I feel low, and since I’ve been thinking about people all day, I believe it’s because I’m lonely. I’m alone and lonely, and that’s been true for too long. I keep saying I have to do something about it, but I don’t. I’m not. I’m not doing anything about it and I keep telling myself I need to do something about it but I don’t and it’s hilariously frustrating. I can tell my body to do so much, but when I just need to go somewhere and just talk to people, I can’t. I won’t. I don’t know. Social anxiety, maybe? I love people, though. I’m good with people. I like people and (some) people like me. I wish this was easier, but it’s not, and it’s something I have to keep working on.

I keep thinking about my past and all my missed opportunities, opportunities that could have made my life so different today. And when I dwell on the past, I get sad. It just comes with the territory now, and I hate feeling complacent about it, but I am. And I hate that this is the entry I’m writing for Christmas Eve. This is supposed to be a happy day. Happy happy joy joy.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I never thought I’d like working at a school, but I really do. I’ve gotten to know all the teachers and staff, and I’ve been getting to know many of the students, and now that everyone’s getting to know me, we’re all teasing each other and having loads of fun. Also, since today was the last day of school until next year, everyone was spreading Christmas cheer, and it all felt fun and welcoming and joyous. I received more treats today than I did during all of Halloween, which is funny to me. Tomorrow will be my last day there before I take my first ever road trip to San Diego, and I’m excited. Everything about life right now is exciting, from the good, to the bad, to the god damn ugly.

If we look back to the last 7 days, we can see the progression of happiness that has followed me from one day to the next. My days haven’t changed at all from what they’ve been and what they were a few months ago, and I think what’s changed is my perspective on things. I caught a glimpse of that with yesterday’s entry, and I think it’s been glimmering on the surface for a while and I just barely saw it yesterday. Life is simple right now. There’s no drama in my life. I’m not letting things get to me anymore. I’m working out. I’m writing a lot. I’m reading and learning and growing. I’m setting plans into motion, and I’ve talked about how bright my future looks, and that’s something I really believe right now. Everything can and will change in the future, but, I don’t know, I feel stronger this time around.

One of my bigger weaknesses throughout my whole life has been my inability to say no to other people.¹ I think part of that has been my desire to just be liked. I like being liked, and I like the idea of other people liking me. Maybe that stems from how I was raised or from some event from my childhood that I’ve been repressing my whole life and can’t remember now, I don’t know. But it’s there. It’s present, and it makes it hard for me to say no. Today, a guy from work asked me if he could buy me a drink. Yesterday he invited me for some food at a local bar, and I said sure, but today I said no. One of my big things this time around is to never drink again. I almost said yes because it was just a long day and a drink sounded amazing, but I said no. And I’m glad I said no. I gotta protect my interests, regardless if other people understand or not. And if that means saying no, so what. I’m on a different path than them, and that’s what makes the world so damn interesting.

Next week I’m going to be bombarded with food. Lots of food. And I think I’m going to eat as much as I can physically and mentally take. I think I’ve earned at least that. Besides, I have 4 months of Insanity planned. And I still plan to keep as many of my habits intact. That means writing my novel, writing my blog, reading, and not drinking, eating relatively well, and moving the fuck on. One week from today I’ll be with family. Two weeks from today I’ll be back home with more stuff and a new year to live and experiment. Isn’t that all so damn exciting?

Today brought lots of laughter, and all that laughter, along with some news I received today, lifted some sort of veil I didn’t know was covering my eyes and now everything looks brighter and better. I’m not sure what I mean by better; some things that have bothered me no longer seem to, and I realized that they shouldn’t have bothered me to begin with. My perspective feels like it has changed, and I don’t feel so bad anymore. The future looks brilliant, and I’m super excited for it. I wish I could explain it all with clarity and vividness, but I don’t think I have it in me right now.

But I’ll try it anyway.

As I’m thinking about it, the ending of my thought process makes me feel petty, but I’ll make you, dear reader, be the judge of that. There’s somebody I used to know. A girld. A friend of her, so not her. We had a thing — a fling — over a year ago. It was fun, we got to know each other, and it looked like we were going to become good friends. Things slowed down, though, until one day she disappeared from my life earlier this year. Over the following months, I tried talking to her, invited her to hang out, have food and whatnot, but either she didn’t reply or refused. It didn’t feel like I was pushing her, but that’s what she would later tell me. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Point is, we never developed the friendship I thought we were capable of, and because of the drama with her spilled over into this other girl’s life, she blocked me from her life. It was actually my anger toward her that I brought over to her that started this whole mess.

Today I found out she — not her¹ — was pregnant. At first, I was hurt. Maybe hurt’s the wrong word. More like disappointed. The father’s somebody she’s only known for a few months, and I don’t know anything about their relationship so I won’t get into that here. I know of the guy, too, and he seems like a good guy. As the day’s progressed and this news has sunk in some more, I was to surprised to feel happy for her. I’m never going to get back in touch with her, and I’ve known this for a while now, so this feeling is surprising me. I’ve thought about her on and off now for a while, but this news made me evaluate those thoughts from the past, and all I did was know I’m probably never going to think about her again, and that’s totally fine. It feels good, actually. Again, that veil. So then I thought about her, looked at a picture of her, and knew that I was done with her, too. I actually laughed aloud when I saw her picture. Like, this person made me feel this way? For this long? Why? This person? This Person?

That space between this paragraph and the last one is filled with me laughing. Is that petty? I’ve been dealing with children, and I’m just now realizing that. People have told me I have been, but I guess it never registered until now. I really, really, wanted to avoid personal gossipy type of entries for this blog because of how petty it makes me feel while writing them. But when there’s no bigger thought on my mind but this, I had to write about it. And this one’s a good, necessary, entry because of what it means for me and my future.

I feel free. It’s Christmas week, which means it’s a short work week. I leave for San Diego this Sunday. I’m going to let loose for one week, spend the transition from this year to the next one in California, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I feel free. I can do anything, and I think I will. God, this feels amazing.