I woke up today with a runny nose, and I’m writing this with a runny nose, and I’ve been tired all day, even after taking a few naps, and I went to the grocery store and bought some hot chocolate, and I’ve been pouring honey down my throat all day, and all I have to say is that it looks like I might be getting sick. I haven’t been sick since February of 2011. I almost made it four years without getting sick. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow before I stop bragging about that, but this is the first time a sickness has hit me this bad — which isn’t that bad to begin with, which should tell you a lot — that I think I’ll be feeling about the same, if not worse, tomorrow. Because of this, I spent all day in bed watching TV. I didn’t do any of my chores, I didn’t do anything on my todo list, I just lied in bed and watched TV. I did workout, I did make dinner, and I did shower, but that’s it. Other than my morning and nightly routines, I’ve done nothing productive today.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and part of me obviously doesn’t like it, but another part of me does. It reminded me how important my health is, and how human I am. I’m not invulnerable, and no matter how much I take care of myself, something will always seep through and cause me harm. I actually feel really fortunate to feel a bit under the weather because my mind all week has been dwelling on a few ideas I might have regretted if pursued to their endpoint. If I let those ideas seep through, I might have regressed on all my progress to a point where maybe I would’ve shut down this blog and quit.

I’ve been feeling like quitting all week, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the pressure of trying to write an entry every day, even though I did this with no problem with my journals. I never went into so much depth or wrote this much in them, though, which may be a leading cause of my feeling this way. I’ve also been preventing myself from doing something because of how it may look to other people, but I think I’m going to pursue this idea more vigilantly now. We only live once, right?

I woke up so cold this morning. I think that’s how I got my runny nose. I don’t sleep with my heater on because I feel like it’s a waste of money and because I usually get too hot when it’s on. If I want to adjust the temperature, I have to get out of bed, adjust the dial, and get back into bed and hope that adjustment worked. It’s too much work, so I keep it off. I sleep with two blankets, and they’ve always been enough. This morning must’ve just been a real cold one. I hope I feel better tomorrow, but if I don’t, then I know I’ll have to take it easy, which is totally okay with me.

I’m not in a race here. This is one battle in a war that’s going to last me my entire life. I just need to slow down, learn, and live as best as I can under the circumstances. Carpe diem and all.

I’m having another tough day of trying to figure out what to write. I have easy subjects I could write about, but frankly, I’m tired of writing about them so often. They include Insanity, her, my job, and a random assortment of other things. If the whole premise for this blog since the beginning was for me to change from a person I didn’t like to someone else, then the question I’m asking myself is: have I? My gut answer is I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve changed enough to satisfy that question. I don’t even know if I’m on the right path, if that path even matters to me anymore. I need to be happy with who I am and what I’ve done, and if I get better, then awesome. If I don’t, though? Am I okay with that? I don’t know.

I had a strong dream about her last night, and it freaked me out so much I woke up from it, startled and sad. It was 4 AM, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I debated with myself all day whether or not I should get back in contact with her someway, but so far, I haven’t, and I don’t think I will. I wanted to mention that briefly because she is a big reason why I started this blog. It’s been 125 days since I last talked to her. This blog and the knowledge of how many days it’s been since I talked to her are both reminders of her. If I truly want to rid myself of her, shouldn’t I try to rid myself of all reminders of her? I’m not quitting this blog. I’m just thinking out loud here. I’m actually glad almost no one reads this because I would imagine if I had a bigger audience how angry I’d be making my readers. Get over her already. Find someone else. Get out more. Move on Trust me, I know. I constantly say the same things to myself every day. I’m tired of it all. But they’re there, and it sucks.

A friend of mine said that I’m so stupendous at organization today. That made me chuckle. I’m not as organized as I wish I was, and that’ll probably make some people who know me angry. It’s like when a skinny supermodel complains that she feels fat, and everyone around her wants to choke her out. If I was more organized, then I think I wouldn’t have meandering days like I’ve had lately. I would be more disciplined and do more than I am. I wouldn’t watch TV, for one. At least not during the weekdays. But then do I want to waste my weekends not doing anything but watching TV? Whatever. I’m tired.

I need to stop caring what other people think of me. I need to not let other people dictate my life, even if it’s just of my own creation. It’s holding me back, and I don’t like being held back. Now I just need to do something about it.

Even though I try to be as open and as honest as I can be on this blog, I purposefully omit many things that happen to me throughout my days and most pertinent thoughts I’m having. For example, I don’t write about what my novel’s about. I don’t write about the current scene or chapter or character or plot point or anything about my novel because I don’t want to, frankly. Writing about my novel when it’s unfinished ruins it for me, in a sense. Not everything is known, so when someone asks me what my novel’s about, I tell them what I can, but that usually incites questions I don’t have answers to. The same with those areas of my life I don’t write about.

When I had a journal, I would write about this stuff because I had an audience of just one: me. But with a blog, I realized I had to build a wall between what I want to reveal and what I want to keep private. I’ve somehow been able to be really honest and really personal on this blog, which I like, but since the entries are so short, I can focus on just one tiny sliver of what’s on my mind. Today, however, I had a hard time coming up with something to write about. My day was simple. It was normal. Nothing memorable happened. I worked out! I read! I wrote! I went to work! I didn’t really do much else. I watched more of the Good Wife but that’s really it. So I lied in bed, my laptop on my lap, and I just stared at the black screen of my word processor for a good 15 minutes trying to figure out what to write about. I thought about writing about her again, but what’s the point? There’s nothing to say right now. I’m organizing my books by color, but that doesn’t deserve more than just one sentence. I may or may not be hanging out with someone tomorrow. I briefly talked on the phone with my best friend today. Everything’s going fine, and that’s not really much for me to write about.

My car is still giving me problems, but I can’t do anything about it until Monday, when my dealer will take a look at it. It’s cold and icy outside, and it only looks to get worse. I’m listening to Nicki Minaj’s new album today because it’s good, and I like it. I thought about emailing her a few minutes before I started this entry because I thought why not. It’s been months now, and if she ignored me, then she ignored me. Whatever. I like Insanity Max: 30 because the workouts are only 30 minutes long, and he marks each set on the video so it’s easy to see how much more I have to push myself before I get a break. Not only that, the workouts are tough. These 30 minutes are just as tough as the 45-60 minute workouts from the Asylum. I like my bed because it’s big and comfy. I like my wall of inspiration. I like my pillows and my messenger bag. I like cooking. Granted, I know very few recipes, but they’re easy to make so I make them all the time. And they’re tasty. I don’t like that I’m more in debt than I thought I would be at this point. I don’t like that I want a new comforter because it’s the best reviewed one I’ve found and that it would look good on my bed. I don’t need it but I want it, and I can’t afford it. That sucks. I really want to focus on my finances this year, but it’s hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I don’t know how successful I’m going to be.

I don’t know, you guys. This is day 123. The streak remains unbroken, but damn. Sometimes I really have to dig deeper to figure out what to write about, and I don’t know how well I did. As long as I don’t quit, right?

A big reason why I wanted to buy furniture and decorate my home was because to both move on from her, who always complained about how my home looked, and to show it off. It’s very contradictory, and I don’t know how to reconcile that other than to say I have no idea why I feel and have felt this way. I’ve had this urge to get back in touch with not only her but with her friend, too, the one who recently became pregnant. I actually have this OmniOutliner document open with notes for an email I may want to send to the pregnant friend, where I want to apologize and maybe become friends again. It’s stupid, and the biggest reason why it’s stupid is because I have a desire to show them my home, how much I’ve changed and grown, and that I have this blog. I’m still attached to them, and it’s stupid. It’s really stupid, and I know it’s stupid, but they’re real feelings, and I have to acknowledge their existence to help me move on.

Now that I’ve lived in my new and improved home these past few days, I’ve had this feeling of gratefulness and acceptance. I’m grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to see my ideas come to fruition. Driving 3,000 miles is not something one just does. Not only that, but coming back with new furniture and about a dozen boxes full of stuff, too. I’m grateful that it’s done and that I can move on. I’ve also accepted the fact that these girls who bitched about my place won’t see it now. Back when I first had the idea of improving my home, about a month or so after I started this blog, I hoped, maybe even expected, to get back in touch with her or her with me. It never happened, obviously, and I’m glad. She’s still got her hands on me, but I feel them letting go. It’s a good feeling. I may have somebody coming over in the next few days, but that’s something I don’t want to talk about yet. That thought is actually what prompted this line of thinking, but I’m just mentioning that for posterity’s sake.

This all feels like unfinished business, though, and that’s something I have to let go. I guess I’m still holding a grudge over what they said about my place. It’s funny, actually, because it’s kind of petty, but whatever. I’d rather be honest with myself than lie. And in effort to be honest, I have to admit that I’m neglecting my todo list. I’m still not fully back from vacation mode, but it’s nothing too major. I’m doing my habits and routines like always, but I’m not doing the other stuff I want to do. There are stuff on my computer that I want to get done but since they’re not important, I disregard them. There’s more I want to do with my novel, but I don’t because after writing my 300 words in the morning, I move on and do other stuff. Like watch TV. Or procrastinate. Or watch some more TV. It’s a problem only as much as I want to call it a problem. There’s no fire under my ass to get me moving forward, but maybe that needs to change?

We’re about 2% through with the year. I just returned from a long vacation. I finished Day 3 of Insanity Max: 30 today. I still have a long way to go before I should worry. I’m just writing it down now so I can keep myself accountable. Here’s hoping it actually works.

I’m about a third of the way toward completing my goal of 365 straight entries. That’s kind of crazy, right? Time flies, I guess. I’m in a retrospective mood, so lets see what’s happened: I’m in the best shape of my life, I’ve been sober for 121 days now, I found a great job that I love and that pays well, I’m on Chapter 8 of my novel, I drove to San Diego to spend the New Years with my family and I returned with all of my books, DVDs, and other stuff, as well as furniture that has transformed my home into a place I love, and I’ve been writing about it all publicly, honestly, and without regrets. And that was all in just a few months. It’s a new year now. There are 12 months ahead of us that are ripe for the picking. Seize the day and all that.

I needed to write all that down because sometimes I forget that I should be happy at what I’ve done since I’m so concerned about the stuff I haven’t done. One thing I didn’t consider when bringing back all my books and displaying them so clearly on a bookshelf was all the books I’ve left unread. There are so many books I still need to read on subjects I still care about but aren’t a priority anymore. I have so many books on film and screenwriting that I so wanted to read when I bought them, but for one reason or another, I didn’t. I’m no longer as passionate about cinema as I once was, even though that’s what I went to school for. That’s what my degree is for, and that’s what I’m still paying for every month in the form of my student loans. It’s sad, actually, but it also means I’ve changed and grown. I still love film, and what I loved about it was telling stories. That has not changed. I love telling stories, and that’s what I’m doing every morning at 5 AM. I wouldn’t wake up hours before I need to if I didn’t love telling stories. I plan to start reading many of these unread books this year, and maybe these books will rekindle my passion for film again. I don’t know. I’m unopposed to that notion.

One of my goals I made last year that wasn’t a New Years resolution was that I wanted to be published. I started off the year writing a short story that I sent out to a small literary journal, and even thought the story was quite good, the editors at this journal didn’t. They rejected me. I didn’t feel bad that I was rejected, but I also didn’t feel impassioned enough to write another short story. This was back in March of last year, and for the rest of the year, I stopped pursuing that goal of getting published. I won’t be making the same goal this year. Instead, I’m going to do what I have been doing, and that’s writing 300 words a day. For most of the year, that’ll be toward my novel. But I plan to finish this rewrite this year, and maybe afterwards I’ll spend some time writing another short story and sending that out to another journal. Then I’ll get back to my novel and maybe rewrite it well enough to be satisfied enough to send it out to publishers. Who knows? Maybe it’ll happen. Maybe it won’t. The goal is to have no goals.

I love habits and routines. If I keep doing the best things for myself every day on a consistent basis, then I know I can accomplish a lot. Just look at what I did in the past 120 days. Gotta admit, that’s pretty impressive.

I’m back, baby. Things went back to normal today, which gave me so much joy that I completely forgot for a second that my car is injured and my credit card debt is high. I even started Day 1 of Insanity Max: 30, and boy, did that workout kick my ass. A week off made my body feel like pudding, and it performed as such. I was not ready for it, but I made it to the end, and I’m glad I did. I feel great right now. I’m tired, most definitely going to be sore tomorrow, and I can’t wait to see what the next 119 or so days bring. Also, I have to mention that I love my new rug. It made working out on it so much better. The rug is thick, so it absorbed so much of the impact of my jumps that I don’t have to worry about angering my neighbors. I can really push myself even harder now, which just means better results.

Last night, the principal and superintendent at my job texted me and told me school today wouldn’t start until 10:15 AM, two hours later than normal. I loved that news, so I set my timer to go off at 6 AM instead of 5. At around 8 this morning, I received another text from them that told me school was cancelled. I didn’t have to go to work, and I didn’t. I needed a day off to do laundry, organize my stuff a bit better, and just relax. I started watching the Good Wife on Hulu, and it’s a good and very entertaining show, and it was exactly what I needed. Also, when I went to do laundry, I ran into Glen, the dealer who sold me my car. He asked me if the mechanics back in California fixed my car, and I told him that they didn’t. I told him what they did to it, and he told me to bring my car into his shop tomorrow so he can take a look at it. I plan to do this, and I hope he can fix it because driving around with all this snow with a bum steering wheel makes me super uncomfortable. If I have to pay, I have to pay. Life is better if I’m actually alive to live it.

I started to read the Drop by Dennis Lehane, and even though I only read the first chapter, I know I’m going to enjoy the book. I’ve read everything Dennis Lehane has written, and I love it all. He’s one of my favorite writers, and it feels right to begin 2015 with one of his books. One thing I still can’t get over is seeing all my books on my bookshelf. I’ve never owned a bookshelf before. I really started to build my library freshman year of college, which was back on August of 2004. Since then, I’ve moved around a lot, and I’ve never settled down long enough to actually buy a bookcase. So this bookcase means a lot to me. I have hundreds of books, and just seeing them finally displayed makes me happy. I still want to organize them since they don’t all fit nicely, but once I do, I’m sure to take pictures and post them on here. Also, I’m waiting for a nice sheet set from JCPenney to arrive, so my home isn’t complete yet. I still don’t have a comforter, but needs versus wants right now.

This was a nice, normal day, and boy did I miss them. Tomorrow I go back to work, have my car checked out, and start day 2 of Insanity Max: 30. 2015: here’s to you.

I’m back home. The drive back up here was worse than the drive down. Something’s up with my car again. Something with the steering again, and that pisses me off. I thought I had this fixed. Guess not. It happened once I hit the snow in Idaho. Once my tires drove on that snow, I noticed something happen to my steering, and when I stopped to get gas for the first time after, I really noticed the difficulty in turning my wheel. I’m going to have to figure something out tomorrow to not only get this fixed, but also not pay what I don’t have to. I’m already more in debt than I would like; to add even more right now is out of the question.

This trip really tested me. I’ve never driven this far and this long in my life, and I’m glad I did. It forced to simplify my day and do only the essentials. While in San Diego, I was forced to let go of a few things I didn’t want to let hamper my time there. Food was the main one there. Fortunately, since a lot of my family also reads this blog¹, they knew beforehand about my diet choices. They brought it up a few times, which was nice, but I didn’t want to be the one eating “rabbit food” while they ate pizza and donuts. I didn’t eat pizza or donuts, but I did eat burgers, chicken wings, and spaghetti. So. Many. Carbs. It all went straight to my head, and I woke up every morning feeling bloated and lethargic. Back to my regularly scheduled diet.

I spent most of today building my IKEA furniture and unpacking all my boxes of stuff. I love everything. From my two bookcases, to my side table, to my rug, and to my bed, I love it all. My bed has to be the piece I love the most. I’ve slept on twin size beds for who knows how long, and my new bed is full size. There’s so much more space! And my mattress, it’s soft and cozy and I feel so comfortable here. All my books are in the wider bookcase, but since I couldn’t fit all of them there, I have many of my books still stacked on the floor. The smaller bookcase I bought for my DVDs also isn’t big enough for my all my DVDs, but I was able to stack many of them upwards. I placed them in front of the other DVDs. I’ll have all week to reorganize and whatnot. This also means I have to downsize a bit, which is totally okay since that’s what I planned to do three years ago, the time before I moved up to Montana and left all this stuff behind. Now it’s back, so many of my long-dormant plans are back, too.

I’m glad I don’t have to drive to California any more. This really was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and I’m glad I did it. It will end up costing me a lot more money than I originally planned, even with the savings in gas from the recent price drops, but that’s something I’m going to have to live with. This trip was worth it, and I’m glad I planned for it, did it, and came back safely. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of, and it just makes me excited for the future.

Anything feels possible, and now I have a home to do it all in.

I left San Diego last night at around 11 PM. I drove for a few hours, then I pulled over onto the side of the road and fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up, the sun had just begun to rise, and I felt better. Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t last long. After a few hours of driving, I felt tired again, so I again pulled over on the side of the highway and took a little nap. I repeated this for pretty much the whole day. At around 3:30 PM, I made it to Draper, Utah, which contains the only IKEA in the whole state. I needed to buy one more bookcase, so I pulled into their parking lot, bought my bookcase, and headed back out on the road. I pulled over just once more and took a mini nap, about maybe ten minutes, and I’ve been on the road since then. For the most part, I’ve had my car on cruise control, and I’ve just been listening to various things, a mix of music and podcasts. I’m now in Idaho Falls, Idaho, utterly tired and ready to go home. It looks like I won’t make it home until around 2 AM, in which case I’ll just collapse in bed and sleep until I wake up. I’ll then proceed unloading my car and building furniture. On Monday, I head back to work.

Did I mention I’m utterly exhausted?

My car is fixed¹, and I’m now ready to head back to Montana. What a damn adventure this trip has been. I’m so much deeper in debt than what I planned that I know I need to reevaluate if the benefits have outweighed the cost. I have my books, my furniture, and other things all packed and ready to go, and I’ll be driving through the night with only a few hours of sleep. I’m planning to stop by the IKEA in Utah to buy my final item since it wasn’t here in San Diego. Other than that, since I know what to expect now, I’m planning to drive straight through, only stopping for gas.

I don’t know what to write about today. I’m frustrated at the fact that I had to pay so much for my car repair. Something to do with the rack and pinion and a replacement pump for something or another. It was a wake up call. Glen from Ronan Auto Sales is shady, and I’ve lost any and all faith and trust I may have once placed in him. He told me my car had a warranty through one company with coverage that would’ve paid for the repair; instead, I had to call Missoula Credit Union to tell me who — if anyone — I went through for my warranty, and they told me it was someone completely different. Unfortunately, they didn’t cover the repairs for my car, and I felt so angry and stupid for not knowing all the details beforehand. Live and learn.

Other than that, I had a great trip. I had fun, made some memories, and I know for a fact I won’t be making this type of trip anytime soon. Next time I want to go to California², I’m flying and not driving. Thankfully, I don’t have to drive anymore. I have no more baggage in California. I’m free to build a home in Montana for now, a home I hope to return to in one piece around this time tomorrow night.

One of the things I miss the most is cooking my own food and working out. I miss those two things the most. It’s weird, right? A few hours ago, my brother, my mom, and I lugged all my stuff to my car, and the simple act of physically carrying all these heavy boxes invigorated me. It felt good, and I wanted to do more, but before I knew it, we were done. Well, before I know it, it’ll be Monday, and I’ll be starting my 120+ day Insanity workout. Crazy how many of my plans are just working out.

I knew I needed a break, so I made sure I finished Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2 during a time when I could take a week off of work. I knew I wasn’t going to work out or eat right during this time, so I prepared for that and made my peace with that. I ate really good food and sat on my ass for most of the trip, and I needed that. I’m coming back with stuff I needed and wanted. From here on out, whenever I come home from work, whenever I’m hanging out at home, and whenever I bring someone over, I’m going to be happy with everything inside my home. In that view, it’s like this trip was an investment toward my happiness, both present and future.

Yes, I’m in debt, but that’s just one more obstacle to overcome, and if I know anything about myself, I love a good challenge.

I have furniture. My aunt and I went to IKEA earlier tonight, and I bought everything I wanted but one bookcase. One thing I was worried about was if my car had enough space to fit all my furniture plus my boxes of books and other stuff. After tonight, I’m no longer worried. I will come back to Montana with everything I planned to bring back plus more that I didn’t even consider.

I left Montana almost five days ago, and in those five days, I’ve made many great memories, and I’ve experienced things I’m glad to have experienced. We went to the beach today, and it was such a beautiful day. One thing that I thought was funny was how cold everyone seemed to be. It was in the mid-50s, people! Mid. 50s. It was sunny, the sky was clear, and the weather was beautiful. People were wearing beanies, jackets, even blankets. It was ridiculous. Montana really is for badasses.

Tomorrow I find out what’s up with my car. I wanted to leave tomorrow so I can make it sometime around Saturday. Then I’d have Sunday to rest and build all my furniture. I’m afraid the mechanic will tell me that he’ll have to spend a few days fixing my car, pushing my return until later. That’s the worst case scenario I foresee happening. The best case is that he fixes it quickly, and I can leave sometime tomorrow afternoon. Driving toward the snow this time around has me a bit more worried than when I drove away from it on Sunday.

I used to love the first day of the new year. I loved wiping the grime from the previous year and reveling at the cleanliness of the year ahead. It was brand new; anything was possible. But that promise for something better always — always — ended in failure because I never learned to create the habits necessary to live the life I wanted. Most of life is lived automatically. We don’t think through our actions. We just do. We live mindlessly, and that’s how I used to live every 1st of January. I’m different now, though. I worked hard to create new habits that are now automatic I don’t even think about them. Every time the sun sets and the day gets darker, I instinctively know that I have to write about my day, my thoughts, and my life. Every morning when I wake up, I know that I have to write my novel. And I’ve learned to listen to my body that I learned to recognize when I just ate some shitty food. I usually just feel fat, even if I didn’t gain any weight. Unfortunately, I’ve felt like this for a few days now, but that was expected.

This vacation has been fun. I’m glad I was able to break up my routine for a week to have some fun, make some memories, and share it all with the people I love. Some of them read this blog, so to them, I say I love you.