I wish I had more money. I want to buy a TV, a Playstation 4 to play all my DVDs, a soundbar and some Sonos speakers to play music out loud, a couch or a reading chair, and more stuff to hang on my walls. This will cost me at least a grand, and I just don’t have that kind of money right now. Well, I kind of do but it needs to go toward bills and debt. I want to make my place more exciting to live in and more inviting for others to visit. Oh, also a fan. It’s been so hot these last few days, and a fan would do me wonders. I’ve been in my underwear all day. It feels good not to wear pants. Off with pants!

I watched hours of Zadie Smith interviews on YouTube today while I deployed Windows 8 to a few netbooks at work. She’s brilliant, and she intimidates me. I think I like women who intimidate me. I just need to find the courage to approach them. Not Zadie Smith, obviously, but ladies like her. They’re beautiful and so interesting. I’m going back to the bookstore this weekend and stocking up on more Zadie Smith novels, as well as Joyce, Kafka, and a Nigerian writer named Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Zadie interviewed her and I really liked her. She was funny and smart and amazing.

What do you guys think of me simply dropping a grand to buy this shit I want? Except for the furniture. That can wait. The electronics, though… A TV with a good sound system is all I’m yearning for now. I have so much good music that needs to be played aloud and my laptop speakers just aren’t cutting it. And a TV to spend hours in front of instead of my MacBook seems like a great American pastime. I’ve been yearning for a couch since last year when I wrote about how I wanted to simply plop down on it after work with a good book and read for hours and hours. I spend way too much time in bed; I need (want?) someplace else to spend my time on. Hey, what about outside??

I’m simply thinking out loud here. None of this will probably happen, and I’m okay with that. There’s too much to do anyways than watch TV. Like read. I like reading. I hate intellectuals. I don’t like people who quote other people verbatim. How the hell do you have the time to memorize that? Have you ever met people who can regurgitate scenes from movies word for word? Why? Why do that? I’m too selfish to do that. I’m too concerned with my own thoughts and feelings to invade my mind with other people’s quotes and whatnot. Maybe that’s why I’m me.

I’m looking for a new workout regimen. Something I can do in the mornings, that doesn’t take too long, and can still give me a good workout. I’m looking for a “maintenance” type of regimen, which I know doesn’t really exist. I’m only planning to do this for a few months until the heat dies down and I’m eager to do something more intense later on. If anybody has any ideas, let me know!

It’s hot. Summer doesn’t begin for another two weeks, and it was 99 degrees in my car after work today. I have no A/C and there is little respite from the heat in my home. But I’ve had a couple cups of wine tonight, and I began to read an amazing novel in White Teeth by the unbelievably beautiful and talented Zadie Smith and I love it, and I worked out for the first time since last month, and I feel good and great and amazing.

I missed Missoula today. I wanted to go out for a brief moment today, to hang out with people I don’t know, to buy books I really want, to read in the park and work out with people in a hot and sweaty gym. I forgot what good fiction does to me. It excites me tremendously. I want to write and read and explore the depths of this craft I love so much.

I did something with my OmniFocus setup today, and I kind of like the end result. I created a few new contexts since my main list has moved from the Today one to the Next one I wrote about a few weeks ago. I hated seeing my long list of tasks broken up by a few contexts, so I thought I should break it up a bit more, just to make them a bit more specific and easier for me to see as I scroll through the list. I pulled out my trusty Field Notes notebook and started thinking through how I can break it down and I like the system I came up with. Organization is fun when I think it’ll benefit me in the long run, and I think today was one of those days.

I got rid of my routines. Habits and routines are essential but not when you’re forcing them more than allowing them to naturally fit into your life. I’ve been forcing them, and I’ve been dreading them, and I’ve been running away from them. They’re gone. I know what I need to do and when to do them. These are tasks and not appointments. I can do them whenever I want throughout the day, and that’s something that’s freeing. I do what I want to do when I want to do them, and I’m having a lot more fun doing it this way. I do have to be careful that I get complacent and not get anything done, so that’s something I’m being cautious about.

Life is so much more fun and tolerable when it’s simpler, when it’s not filled to the brim with tasks scheduled and thought about days, even weeks, beforehand, and when it’s simply lived the way it’s calling to be lived at that moment. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way, but I think (I hope) it sticks around for the long run. I don’t want to crash and burn because I was too hard or too easy on myself. I want to smile because I lived my days well, and I lived my day well today.

I want to give everyone I see a hug because it’s such a beautiful day, and I had such a beautiful week, and I have great hopes for the upcoming week and all the weeks after that for as long as I can see, and I feel good because I have books and music and a home of my own and ideas I’ve implemented or will implement, and I’m simplifying my life as much as I can in an attempt to be less rigid and structured and a bit more spontaneous and creative and it’s working. It’s working because I’m striving for balance, and even though I’m tipping from extreme to the other, I feel life balancing out, and that has given me a sense of calm and clarity I didn’t know I was lacking until that fog lifted from my eyes and I could simply see my life and what it was.

My life was a string that I was pulling on too tightly until it snapped. I snapped and I gave up and fell into an extreme depression that involved alcohol and gluttony and self-loathing that seeped horribly onto all areas of my life, and that’s exactly what I wanted to run away from last year but I didn’t — I couldn’t — because I was doing it all wrong. Nothing I did was ever going to last. I wrote about that a lot, and I tried to convince myself that it was going to be okay, but I never envisioned the ending and what that would mean to me and my life. Every ending is a new beginning, and that’s where I am right now.

I’m not going to continue my blog after this year is up, at least not in its current form. If it still exists, it won’t be daily. I miss writing in my journal by hand, and that’s what I’ll be returning to come September. I want to see what a year in my life looks like, and I want to see what I did, how I felt, and everything else I can’t even think of. I’m in the process of moving away from nervously and habitually checking my todo list for help living my life, and instead I’m going to live my life as productively and as happily as I can. I will still have my todo list as a capture system and a way to organize my life when I need it, but I will try to no longer be a slave to it. My life is easy to figure out: I need to read, write, and work out/eat relatively well. I don’t need a todo list to tell me that. I need a todo list to tell me what I would like to get done when I have the time and energy enough to do it; otherwise, I’m going to spend my time the way I want to.

It’s the summer. One glaring hole in my life is my lack of friends. I’m going to try this summer to make some friends, even if it’s just one person. All it takes is one person. Like the Holstee manifesto states:

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

It’s time to start.

I think I found my new favorite place in Montana, and that’s the Shakespeare & Co. bookstore in Missoula. I drove the 60 miles to get there, perused their fiction section for about half an hour, and came home with five brand-spanking new books. I didn’t care how much money I spent or what books I bought. I wanted to be spontaneous. I wanted to just pretend that I had zero worries in the world and that all I wanted to do was read. I bought books by Eudora Welty, Zadie Smith, Joan Didion, Thomas Pynchon, and John Cheever. They’re all sitting beside me in bed, and I can’t wait to start reading them. A man can get used to spending less time online and more time in books and even outside.

Today’s trip was a small baby step toward something I hope will bear tasty fruit. I love driving. My drive down there reminded me of my drive to California. I hadn’t spent that long in a car driving since then, and I missed it. I miss the open road. I know it was just a trip to Missoula, but it was such a beautiful day, and Missoula was lively today, with so many people riding their bikes or taking walks and simply enjoying the beautiful weather. I might seriously consider finding an apartment down there for me. The commute to work will suck, but who knows, maybe I can find a tech job down there I can do.

I liked not being held down by anything today. I woke up when I felt like it (which was still early, at around 6:15 AM), I drank my copious amounts of coffee, and I even read (shocker!). I think I’m getting closer to wanting to work out and write again. I think I’ve been away from it for too long. I’m changing so many little habits that it’s making me think about what I do and how I think and that’s helping me reevaluate how I do things. I find myself checking my phone less since I removed some of those annoying and time-sucking tics I used to have, like checking my RSS feeds and Twitter and Instagram feeds. Instead, I’m watching TV and reading. The watching TV part isn’t as bad as I thought I’d take it, but the reading part is super welcome and exciting.

Next week I might go back to that bookstore and buy a few more books. One of the workers there was a really cute blonde girl with thick black-framed glasses, and she liked my selection of books. I was too shy to say anything back, but who knows, maybe if I just focus on the baby steps, I can make some progress in this area of my life. I drove for two hours, and only hung out at the bookstore for maybe 30 minutes. That’s kinda sad and crazy, isn’t it? I’m happy, though, and I love bookstores. Here’s to next week, yeah?

My eyelids are heavy and my vision is blurry because I’m tired and I’ve been drinking too much Pinot Noir this evening. I don’t know what to write about because nothing eventful happened today. I’ve been on this path of regression for a few months now, and nothing seems new or eventful anymore. Gluttony and laziness are my new normal, and my old routines seem so far away and mythical right now. I don’t even want to go back to that life. I want a different life. I want to be different. I want to be happier.

I’m unhappy, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s not caused my one thing. It’s a combination of things, some my doing, and others my doing, too. It’s all on me, and that’s just an added pressure I don’t need right now. I’m mostly unhappy because it’s Friday night and I have no one to hang out with, and I really want to hang out with somebody tonight. I don’t want to drink alone even though that’s what I’ve been doing for the past month or so. I need to not drink alone and instead with other people. That won’t happen soon, unfortunately, and meh. That’s what I think about it: meh.

I’m motivated to change my life, and I’m slowly doing what I can to change it. I know it’s out there, and I can taste it, but since I’m not there yet, it’s frustrating me. I’m really surprised I’m writing right now considering how tired and drunk I am right now. I’m listening to Depeche Mode, and I really like it, and I’m looking at my progress bar in Ulysses and it’s not yet green so I have to keep writing. I want to be more spontaneous, but not too spontaneous. I need to get out of my house more. I’m passing out in bed after drinking too much red wine by myself and that fact alone saddens me.

I bought books a few days ago and now they’re here and I’m excited to start reading them. I want to start reading more, that’s why I’m cutting my time on the internet reading trivial shit down to a minimum. Today was the first day without my usual news “fix,” and I was bored. All my tics were left unsatisfied, and I had to try to read, and I did a little bit, but I didn’t for most of them. It’s only day one, so I have more time to figure this out. Maybe it’ll work in the long run! I really would like to have that time to read books instead of trivial shit.

I’m going to have this weekend to myself, and it’s going to be fun and relaxing and maybe I’ll go to Missoula and buy some books at some bookstores and socks at Target and maybe I’ll find some places to hang out in in later weekends. I really need some friends, and I need to date, and I need to not be so alone anymore. Wish me luck, yeah?

Do you ever get the urge to simply change things up a bit? I did today, and I don’t know if this spur of the moment type of day will stick or if it’ll last until I open my eyes in the morning. I cleaned up in the administrative sense that may, hopefully, give me more time to do what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. It’s hard coalescing the should’s and the want’s, but I’m trying to anyway. What did I change? One of my biggest time sinks, both directly and indirectly, is all the web reading I do through the RSS feeds I’ve subscribed to over the years. You have no idea how many hours I spend a week simply scanning headlines and never actually reading anything. That’s insanely unproductive and wasteful. Instead, I chose the few sites I really like and subscribed to their newsletters, at least those that offered them. I’ll see if this saves me any time. If it does, great! I bought more books yesterday and I still have a lot of books left to read, so I hope I get to them soon.

The next thing I simplified was my OmniFocus projects list. I now only have 33 projects (I don’t remember what I had before, but it might’ve been close to 50), and about 260 action items, down from over 700. I don’t think I’m done weeding and culling and organizing this yet, though, so it might still go down more. What’s left over makes sense to me, and it has given me a greater focus as to what I want out of life right now. Many of my projects naturally breed other projects that I want to have on my list because they’re life changing type of projects. But I’m not there yet. I’m still reaching for the stars on a few things, and I’m failing.

I wasn’t able to take the pack test today because my scheduled physical is still a few weeks away, and I can’t take it beforehand. So I spent all day today watching Gilmore Girls and rethinking what I want out of my life. I’ve found it dangerous to have all this time to think (just look at my weekends), so I bought wine and tried to forget about my life for a bit. It didn’t work. I almost cancelled my blog today. I really wanted to; it felt right. I’m going to cancel it come September, as in I’m not going to renew it. I’m going to finish out the year. I set out to write for a year, and I intend to see it through, no matter how much I don’t want to, and right now, I don’t want to. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know what I want to do, but as I’ve learned, I need more than just wanting to do something. I need to motivate myself to do something, and so I went back and reorganized and fiddled with my OmniFocus task list.

I feel like I’m going around in circles. At least my house is clean.

I take my pack test tomorrow, and I don’t know if I’m ready. I haven’t worked out all week, and I feel like I’m overreacting just a little bit, but it’s not like I’m going to fail it. I’m not in that bad of shape. I remember back in 2012 right before I was going to take my first pack test, I ran a couple of 5k’s at my sister’s ranch and then I found out at the test that we weren’t allowed to run it. I haven’t ran a 5k since. I’ll be fine, though. Maybe I don’t feel in shape because I haven’t worked out all week and I forgot what it feels like to move.

I figured out the kinks to my Windows 8.1 Pro deployment for the teachers, and all they have to do is click on the “Install” button and leave for a few hours and let all my hard work do its thing. It’s so fucking cool you guys. I had to integrate three different services, read a lot, watch a lot of videos, experiment, tweak, test, and BAM, I got this thing working just the way I want it to be. I’m sorry but that’s cool and that excites me so much. Now I just have to build the student images and task sequences and test those out and start massively deploying Windows 8 to all our computers. So. Much. Fun.

I’ve not been doing much of anything this week, hell, the past two weeks, but I feel good about it. I’m actually eager to start doing nothing, and it’s making me enthusiastic about a few things I didn’t think I’d be enthusiastic about. For example, I kind of want to go on a book shopping spree and buy a bunch of random books and start reading more than one book at a time. I’m so boringly structured that I have to read one book at a time, but I want to change that and start reading more than one book at a time. I guess I’m thinking aloud here, but that’s just something I’ve been thinking about. That and buying more music and watching a lot of TV.

I’ve been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls on Netflix and the number of references spewed out per episode is outstanding. I’ve been pausing the show just to look something up on Wikipedia, and then I’ve made notes of those references, and I’m actually watching episodes of TV from the ‘60s just because it was mentioned briefly in one episode. This reminds me of college and high school, when I didn’t know anything and I felt insecure about that so I would start cramming everything I overheard and wrote down and then I learned what I missed and I loved it all. That’s how I was able to get through the first year of college and how I became friends with my best friend sophomore year. We fell in love with samurai movies and that’s what we bonded over. So cool.

Anyways… because of this very passive lifestyle I’m living right now, life is kind of slow and uneventful. I’m sure things will start picking up shortly. Fire season is upon us!

It’s such a relief not being beholden to anything. Life, granted it’s just one day of life, has never felt so quiet, and that’s a good thing. It’s relaxing and rejuvenating. This entry is really the only thing I’m holding myself to, and that’s more than enough for me right now. That guilt I thought I’d feel and that I used to feel is not there anymore. Now, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s a thing I’m keeping my eye on right now. I don’t want to erase all the progress I’ve made since September, but I also don’t want to lose my mind.

Work is going well. Today was the last day of school, and I also cracked Zero-Touch Installation with System Center Configuration Manager. Finally. What this means is that I can deploy Windows 8.1 to all my machines without actually touching the machines. That means I can send out a command from my office computer on Friday before I leave, come back on Monday and find that most, if not all, of the computers I wanted to upgrade have been upgraded. That makes me feel so powerful. This upgrade project just got a whole lot easier and even more amazing because I can customize the sequence of how this OS is installed. I can tell it which apps to install, what to backup and restore once the upgrade is complete, and a whole host of other things. No one man should have all this power!

I woke up at 5:30 AM today. That’s my new wakeup time, one I’m at least testing out. You know what? I feel great. I woke up well-rested and ready to start my day. I lived my day well and without any crankiness. I also didn’t work out because I didn’t feel like it. Now that’s something I’m going to have to keep my eye on. It’s far easier not to workout than to workout, and I don’t want to find myself one month from now 5-10 lbs heavier and completely out of the exercise habit. I still need to keep myself focused on some things; I’m just trying not to hurt myself in the process.

Yes, life is short, and I really don’t want to live it in mediocrity, but I’ve really only been out of my regular routine for a month. The previous eight months were amazing, but the time before that wasn’t as crazy, and I lived my life relatively happily. The reason I was so hard on myself is no longer a reason, and now I have to regroup and refocus and rediscover how I want to live my life again. My novel is done and fire season is almost here and work is going to be fun and I’m trying new things and I’m seeing what works and what doesn’t. Experimentation is fun. I can’t to find out what new things stick around and what old things I can bring back and see how all that makes my life look and feel. Stay tuned.

One of the big things on my mind lately has been the question of why I feel the need to do so much on a daily basis. I talked about yesterday how I’m trying to push most of my tasks to the weekdays so I can have the weekends to myself. I’m simplifying my weekdays so my weekdays aren’t overloaded with stuff I’m implicitly promising to myself. I’m drastically simplifying my morning and nightly routines, and I’m trying to make more room for both fun and rest. I’m obsessively organizing my OmniFocus lists with tasks and projects that I hope cover all the important areas of my life, but I’m going to try to do them in a more lenient way by doing them when I feel like it. Simple, right?

For example, I didn’t workout today because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like it because I was tired all day and hungover from the four bottles of wine I drank this weekend, and I was hungry, really really hungry. I don’t want to punish myself for not doing something, and I’m going to try to be nicer to myself. Now that I’m finished with my novel, I’m going to lay it aside for a while so I can spend more of my time reading and hopefully come up with good ideas to make the novel better. I also subscribed to the New Yorker today, and I want to spend more time reading these issues cover to cover on a weekly basis.

The first eight months of this blog were amazing. I’ve never been as productive as I was during that time, and I’m so proud of all the work I accomplished. I got a job, I finished my novel, I drove to California and back, I wrote non-stop for 267 days, and I did one of the hardest workout programs for over 200 days. Now it’s summer and I want to relax before fire season starts. School’s out, and I need to upgrade a couple hundred computers to Windows 8.1, and I need to figure out my next steps. There’s still a lot of stuff I want to do, but for most of that, time is not of the essence. I want to slow down and really figure this out.

This blog barely gets any hits nowadays; I’m lucky if I get one reader during a week. I know that’s because the quality is virtually nonexistent, and that’s okay. I’m mostly writing this for myself and my own cathartic experiences. Maybe my words have helped people or will help them, I don’t know. I just know they have helped me, and that was the point. Maybe by giving myself more time to relax and maybe read, then maybe that rest will rejuvenate me and my writing will improve. Until then, I just have to take each entry one day at a time until that fire inside my belly reignites and compels me to do something amazing.

More of the same today. Scratch that. I worked a lot in OmniFocus today, actually, and I converted a lot of stale Someday/Maybe items into actual projects that I intend to work on and actually get done within the coming weeks and months. I’ve had “Travel the world” on there for who knows how long, and now I’m going to hunker down and see how I can check this project off. Of course, I’m going to have to break it down into smaller and doable tasks, but that’s the exciting part. I’m also breaking up my super long wish list into their own projects or adding them into other projects. For some projects, I’m going to need to buy stuff to help me get them done, and it’s super nice and convenient to see these items grouped within the project instead of a catch-all list. This is all an attempt to re-organize my life in an attempt to contain all those sand-slipping-through-the-cracks projects and tasks.

I’ve been splurging and having fun and it’s really fun. I’m refocusing a lot of my weekend tasks and converting them into weekday tasks so I can truly have my weekends to myself. I like not being beholden to anything during the weekends, and I think this is a necessary first step toward actually living my life in a fun and interesting way. Slow and steady wins, after all. Again, I’ve been spending a lot of the day watching Gilmore Girls, but when I haven’t been, I’ve been drinking or trying to get some work done because I knew it would have felt good. And it did! Tomorrow I’m going to finally (!!!) subscribe to the New Yorker because it’s $6 for a 12 week subscription (with a valid .edu email address, which I have!), and I’m going to incorporate that into my routine somehow. Getting it read and whatnot. I’m considering — considering! — cutting my writing task in the morning and instead focusing more on reading. I enjoy writing later in the day, and I simply might do it then. I’ll see, though. Scientific method is on the mind.

I’m cutting back on subscriptions to help me save some money. I’m going to spend a lot of money this month on firefighting gear, and I know I can’t be living the way I’ve been living and expect to pay off my debts in a timely manner. I really want that Goruck 2 backpack because it’s perfect for both firefighting and general travel, and read the first paragraph as to why the latter reason is important and attractive to me. I’m frustrated and sad with my life and I know I can do a lot better and I’m almost 30 and I need to grab life by the balls and get what I want. It’s hard hard hard, but it’ll be worth it if I just keep my feet moving and check off all those tasks from OmniFocus. Because the life I want is right there for the taking. I just gotta want it badly enough, and I do.