“Hey coach,” my friend said with a fucking smirk on her face. I was making my way to the main office after fixing a potentially expensive error on one of the school’s servers, so I was feeling both relieved and stressed when I saw her, and I rolled my eyes and smiled. “You’ll do good,” she said, and right on cue, the group of middle school boys began walking down the hall and toward the cafeteria. It was lunch time, but what I needed was an ice cold beer, but seeing these kids again and even my friends was enough of a salve for my frayed nerves.

The night before, the school board hired me to be the assistant middle school football coach. I have never coached anything in my life, but last month I mentioned it somewhat offhandedly that I wanted to coach something during this upcoming school year, and I believe that once I put something out into the Universe, the Universe listens and answers back. I’m now a football coach and first practice is on Monday.

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I believe I’ll have fun. And when the people around me tell me that I’ll do a good job, I have to listen and believe them, right? So let’s go.

Took the weekend off to drown myself in distractions and to try and get to this morning as quickly as possible. I dropped my car off at the shop at 9am, and a little bit after 3pm I received a call from them: my alternator is shot, they won’t have the part until Wednesday, and because of where the alternator is located, they have to remove my AC compressor and drain the coolant, all of which will add to the overall cost of the repair. “Whatever it costs, I’m okay with,” I told them. “Okay, the total cost will be—“ and he rattled off four figures.

I made a soft noise and shrugged it off. I was supposed to take all of next week off from work while I went on my road trip, but this setback convinced me to cancel it. Instead, I’m taking my vacation now while I’m out of a car until at least Wednesday. I’ve been knee-deep in MLB’s trade deadline, and that should keep my mind busy until tomorrow.

Also, my marigolds are thriving, and watching these buds grow and then eventually sprout has been some of the coolest moments I’ve had in a while. My bank account will definitely be poorer soon, but my spirit isn’t and won’t be any time soon.

Shohei Ohtani is the best player in baseball right now, and he could end up being the best player of all time, the GOAT of GOAT’s. To be the best at something, you have to sacrifice so much, and Ohtani is no different. I was so fascinated by Ken Rosenthal’s article today in The Athletic about Ohtani and the relationships around him (paywall).

Joe Maddon, Ohtani’s manager with the Angels from 2020 to June 2022, asked:

“Was he that married to baseball?”

The answer, those in Ohtani’s orbit say, was yes. Experts say such single-mindedness is not uncommon among Japanese athletes. But while many players who moved from Japan to the majors showed intense focus, Ohtani’s single-mindedness as both a pitcher and hitter is a level above.

Even though the article was focused more on the relationships around Ohtani, particularly Ippei Mizuhara, his interpreter that pilfered almost $17 million from Ohtani to satisfy his gambling debts, I was most interested in Ohtani’s intense focus to simply be the best, to be great. “One former Angels employee,” the article continues,

described Ohtani’s work-life balance as “99 to 1” in favor of work. He was so regimented in his daily preparation as a pitcher and hitter, the employee said, “it was not in his mind space to enjoy the moment.” Ohtani would take an iPad home to watch the next day’s starting pitcher. He even monitored his sleep — Sports Illustrated reported Ohtani strives for 10 hours a night, plus a two-hour nap before a game — through a wearable device.

Ten hours of sleep plus a two hour nap before the game. Half his day is spent sleeping, the other half is spent working on and becoming the absolute best baseball player he can be.

I’ve latched onto this article today because I am tired of consistently being disappointed with myself whenever I don’t live up to whatever lofty standards I want to meet, and I know I won’t ever be great at something like Ohtani is great at baseball, nor do I actually want to be great like him at any one thing, but I am tired of any and all excuses I come up with for not doing something I want to do. I want to do a lot of things, and I would love to be great at them, but at the very least, I want to respect myself and the things I want to do, and I don’t think I am. I feel like I’m consistently disrespecting myself and the things I want to accomplish, and I feel like I’ve lost my focus. The coronavirus obviously did not help, but if I’m being truthful to myself, I feel like I had lost it years before that.

One way I’ve tried to motivate myself is by reminding myself of what I have done and what I have accomplished, but instead of having that energize me, it drains me. I’ve read books and tried productivity systems and I’ve tried building habits and so many other things, and yet… I’m still here, frustrated and angry and depressed and a million other things. Again, I’m not comparing myself to Ohtani because he’s such a unicorn, but what I am doing is looking at his motivation to be great to my own lack of motivation to even read a book, let alone writing one.

I’m frustrated because I used to have this insane level of motivation to push myself to become something greater than my own imagination could conjure up, and it’s just gone now. Where did it go? Fuck, it’s frustrating. Where did it go? I don’t know, and I have no idea where to even begin to find it again.

I bought College Football 25 for my PS5 today, the first time I’ve purchased an EA Sports game in maybe two decades. After the heart-pumping intro, I was met with this Positive Play message that truly warmed my heart. Is this relatively new? Has it been part of EA games for a while? I’m not sure, but I liked it. I chose the USC Trojans as my favorite team because they are my alma mater, and I began a quick match against Stanford. I beat them 70-0, and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long while. I then began the new dynasty mode, but I had to cut it short, so I couldn’t quite delve too deeply into it.

I don’t play video games as much as I used to, and I think that’s mostly because I’ve trained myself to think of them as pointless distractions. I tell myself that I should be writing or that I should be reading or that I should be finishing this project or that project. And maybe that’s still true most of the time, but even without video games, I’m not always working or getting things done. God, I wish I was working and getting things done most of the time! But I’m not, and that’s just the honest truth. Hell, I’ve had to drag myself off my ass to write these daily entries every night and to grab my camera and shoot something, regardless of “quality”.

And maybe that’s where my attitude on things needs to change. Like EA’s message, play can be positive, and maybe I should let some of it back into my life. After all, all work and no play makes Mario a dull boy, and nobody wants that.

Sloppy joes for dinner tonight.

There aren’t enough wildland firefighters and the Miller Peak Fire has grown to over 1,900 acres, something I knew would happen a few days ago. That temptation to un-retire from firefighting is growing stronger and stronger… but wildland firefighting is its own kind of commitment that I don’t think I can afford to make anymore. I do miss it, though.

I subscribed to The Athletic yesterday, and I’ve been very impressed and engrossed with the new season of Hard Knocks: Offseason with the New York Giants. Seeing the behind the scenes at roster construction is interesting as hell. I stopped watching the NFL years ago (around the time the Chargers defected from San Diego to Los Angeles), but I’m considering jumping back into it this year.

Also, I’ve never coached anything in my life, but I am thinking about popping that cherry sometime during this upcoming school year. I love sports, and I love kids, so it only makes sense, right?

Last weekend, I went to my first rodeo with my friend, and I had a blast. I had no idea what to expect, and I admit, I felt out of place, but my friend made me feel welcome. She walked me through the rules and strategies for each event, and the more I understood, the more I began to appreciate the rodeo and the entire culture and enthusiasm surrounding it. Rodeo’s are a big part of people’s lives where I live, amongst all my friends, and I, in hindsight, feel disappointed that it took me so long to enter this world.

A few things struck me the most. The first was how violent some of these events could be. The second was how young many of the participants were. There was one moment when a boy no older than twelve fell off his horse and hit his head on the ground, knocking him out for a solid ten minutes. There was a hush in the crowd as we watched the EMTs huddle around him and do what they needed to do to help. They strapped him to a gurney and carried him away, but one of the cowboys told the crowd that he heard the boy say he was okay and that brought a relieved crowd to cheer and clap. And the show went on.

One of my favorite events was the barrel race. These were fast and fun and I loved seeing these skilled people ride their horses with such command and grace. I’m hooked.