A big reason why I wanted to buy furniture and decorate my home was because to both move on from her, who always complained about how my home looked, and to show it off. It’s very contradictory, and I don’t know how to reconcile that other than to say I have no idea why I feel and have felt this way. I’ve had this urge to get back in touch with not only her but with her friend, too, the one who recently became pregnant. I actually have this OmniOutliner document open with notes for an email I may want to send to the pregnant friend, where I want to apologize and maybe become friends again. It’s stupid, and the biggest reason why it’s stupid is because I have a desire to show them my home, how much I’ve changed and grown, and that I have this blog. I’m still attached to them, and it’s stupid. It’s really stupid, and I know it’s stupid, but they’re real feelings, and I have to acknowledge their existence to help me move on.

Now that I’ve lived in my new and improved home these past few days, I’ve had this feeling of gratefulness and acceptance. I’m grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to see my ideas come to fruition. Driving 3,000 miles is not something one just does. Not only that, but coming back with new furniture and about a dozen boxes full of stuff, too. I’m grateful that it’s done and that I can move on. I’ve also accepted the fact that these girls who bitched about my place won’t see it now. Back when I first had the idea of improving my home, about a month or so after I started this blog, I hoped, maybe even expected, to get back in touch with her or her with me. It never happened, obviously, and I’m glad. She’s still got her hands on me, but I feel them letting go. It’s a good feeling. I may have somebody coming over in the next few days, but that’s something I don’t want to talk about yet. That thought is actually what prompted this line of thinking, but I’m just mentioning that for posterity’s sake.

This all feels like unfinished business, though, and that’s something I have to let go. I guess I’m still holding a grudge over what they said about my place. It’s funny, actually, because it’s kind of petty, but whatever. I’d rather be honest with myself than lie. And in effort to be honest, I have to admit that I’m neglecting my todo list. I’m still not fully back from vacation mode, but it’s nothing too major. I’m doing my habits and routines like always, but I’m not doing the other stuff I want to do. There are stuff on my computer that I want to get done but since they’re not important, I disregard them. There’s more I want to do with my novel, but I don’t because after writing my 300 words in the morning, I move on and do other stuff. Like watch TV. Or procrastinate. Or watch some more TV. It’s a problem only as much as I want to call it a problem. There’s no fire under my ass to get me moving forward, but maybe that needs to change?

We’re about 2% through with the year. I just returned from a long vacation. I finished Day 3 of Insanity Max: 30 today. I still have a long way to go before I should worry. I’m just writing it down now so I can keep myself accountable. Here’s hoping it actually works.

I’m about a third of the way toward completing my goal of 365 straight entries. That’s kind of crazy, right? Time flies, I guess. I’m in a retrospective mood, so lets see what’s happened: I’m in the best shape of my life, I’ve been sober for 121 days now, I found a great job that I love and that pays well, I’m on Chapter 8 of my novel, I drove to San Diego to spend the New Years with my family and I returned with all of my books, DVDs, and other stuff, as well as furniture that has transformed my home into a place I love, and I’ve been writing about it all publicly, honestly, and without regrets. And that was all in just a few months. It’s a new year now. There are 12 months ahead of us that are ripe for the picking. Seize the day and all that.

I needed to write all that down because sometimes I forget that I should be happy at what I’ve done since I’m so concerned about the stuff I haven’t done. One thing I didn’t consider when bringing back all my books and displaying them so clearly on a bookshelf was all the books I’ve left unread. There are so many books I still need to read on subjects I still care about but aren’t a priority anymore. I have so many books on film and screenwriting that I so wanted to read when I bought them, but for one reason or another, I didn’t. I’m no longer as passionate about cinema as I once was, even though that’s what I went to school for. That’s what my degree is for, and that’s what I’m still paying for every month in the form of my student loans. It’s sad, actually, but it also means I’ve changed and grown. I still love film, and what I loved about it was telling stories. That has not changed. I love telling stories, and that’s what I’m doing every morning at 5 AM. I wouldn’t wake up hours before I need to if I didn’t love telling stories. I plan to start reading many of these unread books this year, and maybe these books will rekindle my passion for film again. I don’t know. I’m unopposed to that notion.

One of my goals I made last year that wasn’t a New Years resolution was that I wanted to be published. I started off the year writing a short story that I sent out to a small literary journal, and even thought the story was quite good, the editors at this journal didn’t. They rejected me. I didn’t feel bad that I was rejected, but I also didn’t feel impassioned enough to write another short story. This was back in March of last year, and for the rest of the year, I stopped pursuing that goal of getting published. I won’t be making the same goal this year. Instead, I’m going to do what I have been doing, and that’s writing 300 words a day. For most of the year, that’ll be toward my novel. But I plan to finish this rewrite this year, and maybe afterwards I’ll spend some time writing another short story and sending that out to another journal. Then I’ll get back to my novel and maybe rewrite it well enough to be satisfied enough to send it out to publishers. Who knows? Maybe it’ll happen. Maybe it won’t. The goal is to have no goals.

I love habits and routines. If I keep doing the best things for myself every day on a consistent basis, then I know I can accomplish a lot. Just look at what I did in the past 120 days. Gotta admit, that’s pretty impressive.

I’m back, baby. Things went back to normal today, which gave me so much joy that I completely forgot for a second that my car is injured and my credit card debt is high. I even started Day 1 of Insanity Max: 30, and boy, did that workout kick my ass. A week off made my body feel like pudding, and it performed as such. I was not ready for it, but I made it to the end, and I’m glad I did. I feel great right now. I’m tired, most definitely going to be sore tomorrow, and I can’t wait to see what the next 119 or so days bring. Also, I have to mention that I love my new rug. It made working out on it so much better. The rug is thick, so it absorbed so much of the impact of my jumps that I don’t have to worry about angering my neighbors. I can really push myself even harder now, which just means better results.

Last night, the principal and superintendent at my job texted me and told me school today wouldn’t start until 10:15 AM, two hours later than normal. I loved that news, so I set my timer to go off at 6 AM instead of 5. At around 8 this morning, I received another text from them that told me school was cancelled. I didn’t have to go to work, and I didn’t. I needed a day off to do laundry, organize my stuff a bit better, and just relax. I started watching the Good Wife on Hulu, and it’s a good and very entertaining show, and it was exactly what I needed. Also, when I went to do laundry, I ran into Glen, the dealer who sold me my car. He asked me if the mechanics back in California fixed my car, and I told him that they didn’t. I told him what they did to it, and he told me to bring my car into his shop tomorrow so he can take a look at it. I plan to do this, and I hope he can fix it because driving around with all this snow with a bum steering wheel makes me super uncomfortable. If I have to pay, I have to pay. Life is better if I’m actually alive to live it.

I started to read the Drop by Dennis Lehane, and even though I only read the first chapter, I know I’m going to enjoy the book. I’ve read everything Dennis Lehane has written, and I love it all. He’s one of my favorite writers, and it feels right to begin 2015 with one of his books. One thing I still can’t get over is seeing all my books on my bookshelf. I’ve never owned a bookshelf before. I really started to build my library freshman year of college, which was back on August of 2004. Since then, I’ve moved around a lot, and I’ve never settled down long enough to actually buy a bookcase. So this bookcase means a lot to me. I have hundreds of books, and just seeing them finally displayed makes me happy. I still want to organize them since they don’t all fit nicely, but once I do, I’m sure to take pictures and post them on here. Also, I’m waiting for a nice sheet set from JCPenney to arrive, so my home isn’t complete yet. I still don’t have a comforter, but needs versus wants right now.

This was a nice, normal day, and boy did I miss them. Tomorrow I go back to work, have my car checked out, and start day 2 of Insanity Max: 30. 2015: here’s to you.

I’m back home. The drive back up here was worse than the drive down. Something’s up with my car again. Something with the steering again, and that pisses me off. I thought I had this fixed. Guess not. It happened once I hit the snow in Idaho. Once my tires drove on that snow, I noticed something happen to my steering, and when I stopped to get gas for the first time after, I really noticed the difficulty in turning my wheel. I’m going to have to figure something out tomorrow to not only get this fixed, but also not pay what I don’t have to. I’m already more in debt than I would like; to add even more right now is out of the question.

This trip really tested me. I’ve never driven this far and this long in my life, and I’m glad I did. It forced to simplify my day and do only the essentials. While in San Diego, I was forced to let go of a few things I didn’t want to let hamper my time there. Food was the main one there. Fortunately, since a lot of my family also reads this blog¹, they knew beforehand about my diet choices. They brought it up a few times, which was nice, but I didn’t want to be the one eating “rabbit food” while they ate pizza and donuts. I didn’t eat pizza or donuts, but I did eat burgers, chicken wings, and spaghetti. So. Many. Carbs. It all went straight to my head, and I woke up every morning feeling bloated and lethargic. Back to my regularly scheduled diet.

I spent most of today building my IKEA furniture and unpacking all my boxes of stuff. I love everything. From my two bookcases, to my side table, to my rug, and to my bed, I love it all. My bed has to be the piece I love the most. I’ve slept on twin size beds for who knows how long, and my new bed is full size. There’s so much more space! And my mattress, it’s soft and cozy and I feel so comfortable here. All my books are in the wider bookcase, but since I couldn’t fit all of them there, I have many of my books still stacked on the floor. The smaller bookcase I bought for my DVDs also isn’t big enough for my all my DVDs, but I was able to stack many of them upwards. I placed them in front of the other DVDs. I’ll have all week to reorganize and whatnot. This also means I have to downsize a bit, which is totally okay since that’s what I planned to do three years ago, the time before I moved up to Montana and left all this stuff behind. Now it’s back, so many of my long-dormant plans are back, too.

I’m glad I don’t have to drive to California any more. This really was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and I’m glad I did it. It will end up costing me a lot more money than I originally planned, even with the savings in gas from the recent price drops, but that’s something I’m going to have to live with. This trip was worth it, and I’m glad I planned for it, did it, and came back safely. I learned a lot about myself, what I’m capable of, and it just makes me excited for the future.

Anything feels possible, and now I have a home to do it all in.

I left San Diego last night at around 11 PM. I drove for a few hours, then I pulled over onto the side of the road and fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up, the sun had just begun to rise, and I felt better. Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t last long. After a few hours of driving, I felt tired again, so I again pulled over on the side of the highway and took a little nap. I repeated this for pretty much the whole day. At around 3:30 PM, I made it to Draper, Utah, which contains the only IKEA in the whole state. I needed to buy one more bookcase, so I pulled into their parking lot, bought my bookcase, and headed back out on the road. I pulled over just once more and took a mini nap, about maybe ten minutes, and I’ve been on the road since then. For the most part, I’ve had my car on cruise control, and I’ve just been listening to various things, a mix of music and podcasts. I’m now in Idaho Falls, Idaho, utterly tired and ready to go home. It looks like I won’t make it home until around 2 AM, in which case I’ll just collapse in bed and sleep until I wake up. I’ll then proceed unloading my car and building furniture. On Monday, I head back to work.

Did I mention I’m utterly exhausted?

My car is fixed¹, and I’m now ready to head back to Montana. What a damn adventure this trip has been. I’m so much deeper in debt than what I planned that I know I need to reevaluate if the benefits have outweighed the cost. I have my books, my furniture, and other things all packed and ready to go, and I’ll be driving through the night with only a few hours of sleep. I’m planning to stop by the IKEA in Utah to buy my final item since it wasn’t here in San Diego. Other than that, since I know what to expect now, I’m planning to drive straight through, only stopping for gas.

I don’t know what to write about today. I’m frustrated at the fact that I had to pay so much for my car repair. Something to do with the rack and pinion and a replacement pump for something or another. It was a wake up call. Glen from Ronan Auto Sales is shady, and I’ve lost any and all faith and trust I may have once placed in him. He told me my car had a warranty through one company with coverage that would’ve paid for the repair; instead, I had to call Missoula Credit Union to tell me who — if anyone — I went through for my warranty, and they told me it was someone completely different. Unfortunately, they didn’t cover the repairs for my car, and I felt so angry and stupid for not knowing all the details beforehand. Live and learn.

Other than that, I had a great trip. I had fun, made some memories, and I know for a fact I won’t be making this type of trip anytime soon. Next time I want to go to California², I’m flying and not driving. Thankfully, I don’t have to drive anymore. I have no more baggage in California. I’m free to build a home in Montana for now, a home I hope to return to in one piece around this time tomorrow night.

One of the things I miss the most is cooking my own food and working out. I miss those two things the most. It’s weird, right? A few hours ago, my brother, my mom, and I lugged all my stuff to my car, and the simple act of physically carrying all these heavy boxes invigorated me. It felt good, and I wanted to do more, but before I knew it, we were done. Well, before I know it, it’ll be Monday, and I’ll be starting my 120+ day Insanity workout. Crazy how many of my plans are just working out.

I knew I needed a break, so I made sure I finished Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2 during a time when I could take a week off of work. I knew I wasn’t going to work out or eat right during this time, so I prepared for that and made my peace with that. I ate really good food and sat on my ass for most of the trip, and I needed that. I’m coming back with stuff I needed and wanted. From here on out, whenever I come home from work, whenever I’m hanging out at home, and whenever I bring someone over, I’m going to be happy with everything inside my home. In that view, it’s like this trip was an investment toward my happiness, both present and future.

Yes, I’m in debt, but that’s just one more obstacle to overcome, and if I know anything about myself, I love a good challenge.

I have furniture. My aunt and I went to IKEA earlier tonight, and I bought everything I wanted but one bookcase. One thing I was worried about was if my car had enough space to fit all my furniture plus my boxes of books and other stuff. After tonight, I’m no longer worried. I will come back to Montana with everything I planned to bring back plus more that I didn’t even consider.

I left Montana almost five days ago, and in those five days, I’ve made many great memories, and I’ve experienced things I’m glad to have experienced. We went to the beach today, and it was such a beautiful day. One thing that I thought was funny was how cold everyone seemed to be. It was in the mid-50s, people! Mid. 50s. It was sunny, the sky was clear, and the weather was beautiful. People were wearing beanies, jackets, even blankets. It was ridiculous. Montana really is for badasses.

Tomorrow I find out what’s up with my car. I wanted to leave tomorrow so I can make it sometime around Saturday. Then I’d have Sunday to rest and build all my furniture. I’m afraid the mechanic will tell me that he’ll have to spend a few days fixing my car, pushing my return until later. That’s the worst case scenario I foresee happening. The best case is that he fixes it quickly, and I can leave sometime tomorrow afternoon. Driving toward the snow this time around has me a bit more worried than when I drove away from it on Sunday.

I used to love the first day of the new year. I loved wiping the grime from the previous year and reveling at the cleanliness of the year ahead. It was brand new; anything was possible. But that promise for something better always — always — ended in failure because I never learned to create the habits necessary to live the life I wanted. Most of life is lived automatically. We don’t think through our actions. We just do. We live mindlessly, and that’s how I used to live every 1st of January. I’m different now, though. I worked hard to create new habits that are now automatic I don’t even think about them. Every time the sun sets and the day gets darker, I instinctively know that I have to write about my day, my thoughts, and my life. Every morning when I wake up, I know that I have to write my novel. And I’ve learned to listen to my body that I learned to recognize when I just ate some shitty food. I usually just feel fat, even if I didn’t gain any weight. Unfortunately, I’ve felt like this for a few days now, but that was expected.

This vacation has been fun. I’m glad I was able to break up my routine for a week to have some fun, make some memories, and share it all with the people I love. Some of them read this blog, so to them, I say I love you.

I’m staring at all the boxes of stuff that’s the primary reason why I drove down to San Diego from Montana, and I’m sitting here thinking about my car, which is in the shop, my home back in Ronan, my family, my friends, my job, my blog, my health, my accomplishments, my failures, everything I did and didn’t do in 2014, and I’m grateful for all of it. I knew something was going to happen to my car, but I’m willing to pay the price to get it fixed as long as I can get back home with more than when I left it. Yes, I’ll have more stuff, but I’ll also have that experience of driving almost 3,000 miles across the western United States. I’ll be spending the holiday with family, my first new year celebration on the west cost in years, and that’s something to be super grateful for. And I’m spending a week away from my routine, to force myself to be flexible and not be so strict to a schedule and lifestyle that doesn’t allow time for fun. Of course I love everything I do and everything I’ve done since I started this blog, but like I’ve written about so many times before, this lifestyle can’t last, nor do I want it to last, forever.

2014 was a great year. My life changed more this year than it had in a long time, even more then when I first moved up here, I think. I think I built a great foundation for 2015 to be an even better year. It’s going to start off with over 120 days of Insanity, some stuff to make my home feel more mine, and a newfound confidence to do even more. Without testing my limits, how do I know what I am and am not capable of?

A part of me still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. A few months ago I had this crazy idea that involved driving over 1,300 miles from Montana to California for the purpose of picking up the rest of my stuff and buying some furniture and driving back again once I did. I’ve already done over 90 consecutive days of Insanity, and I’m sitting here excited to do over 120 more. I’m over 35,000 words into my second novel, and I’m planning to finish this draft sometime around June of 2015. I have a great job, and 2015 will see me earning even more than I’ve ever earned in my life. There are so many things to be grateful and excited for that life seems good. I am worried about my car and the possible hole that’ll put me in financially, but that’s it. Everything else is awesome, and I’m glad I could share it with people I love, and that includes everyone reading these words right now.

Thank you.

Here’s to 2015. Happy New Years, everyone.

I’ve been playing Cards Against Humanity and Settlers of Catan with my family, and I’ve been having a bunch of fun. I’m currently winning at Settlers of Catan, and they’re all ganging up against me! It’s so ruthless! But so much fun. It’s also very late, and I don’t think I have the time or energy to write more than 500 words.

Other than that, the only eventful thing that happened today has to do with my car. During the last leg of my journey down here, my steering wheel began to be really tough to turn. I thought I might have fucked something up with my transmission, which freaked me the fuck out. My mom and aunt told me it could be something to do with the power steering, which relieved me because all I had to do was buy some power steering fluid. I did, added some to my car, and it worked! I was so relieved. Now tomorrow I’m going to go to IKEA, buy my furniture, celebrate New Years, and have some more fun. Other than that, I finally reunited with my 10 boxes of books, and we missed each other so much.

Okay, okay, time to win this game!

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried sleeping on the side of the road, but it was too cold and too loud for me to sleep. I drove on some more until I noticed that I drifted onto the other lane unintentionally. I pulled over again and tried to sleep, but for about 30-45 minutes, I again couldn’t sleep. So I drove on some more, and I’m glad I did. I drove through Vegas at around 3 in the morning, and all the lights were bright and the city looked lively. It was my first time ever being in Vegas, and even though I drove straight through this time, I plan to come back and really visit this city at some point.

I’m writing this post on my phone because it’s been a busy day, and I’m not near my laptop. It’s 10:40 PM Pacific time, making it around 11:40 Montana time. I didn’t want to miss my Montana deadline, so I can’t wait to go home to write this. This entry might not make it to 500 words, but I’m on vacation, so I should relax a bit, right?

I’ve only had maybe 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, so I’m tired. I just played a game of Cards Againsr Humanity for the first time with my cousin and brother, and I had loads of fun. For the previous 5-6 hours, I spent the day with my other cousin and brother shopping. I bought a new pair of shoes, and they’re awesome. We stopped by IKEA, and I examined all of my choices that I planned to buy while down here, and for the most part, I liked everything I chose except for the rug. I found something better and cheaper, and I’ll be super happy with it at my home.

I wrote 33 words in my novel before I crashed for a 2 hour nap. I haven’t been home since to add any more. I’m okay with that as long as I don’t skimp tomorrow. I ate a carne asada burrito, many cups of coffee, some chicken tamales and beans. Super Mexican, super tasty, super satisfying. Yup, I’m on vacation!