I’ve been thinking a lot about the stuff I’ve bought and the stuff I want to buy. I’ve realized that what I buy is a reflection of who I am and who I want to be. I have a style, and I’m trying to purchase my way toward manifesting that style in my home. From the design of the products I choose, to their colors, to the quantity of books and how I display them, it’s all a reflection of how I want to live.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my home. I’ve been recalling memories of my childhood, of my teenage years and early twenties when I was in college, to my early to mid twenties that I spent with my mom in California, to my late twenties now where I started over and am finally, truly living on my own, I’ve been thinking about it all. For the first time ever, I’m eager to have people come over to my place, my home. I didn’t realize I had that weighing on my mind until I rearranged my home to make room for my couch. A cornucopia of ideas exploded in my imagination and now all I’m thinking about is my home.

One of the thoughts that makes me sad is the fact that I first began trying to improve my home because of her, but she’s no longer a part of my life, which is for the best. It makes me sad, though, that I won’t be able to show it off to her. Ah well. That’s what the next girl is for.

I talked to a co-worker today and she told me that this place (this place referring to Montana) is a great place to raise a family but a horrible place for a single guy my age to live in. There’s nothing to do here, she said, and especially since I’m from the city, it could get really really boring. I agreed. We talked about me getting a passport and traveling to Canada or Europe and living my life in a fun way. I agreed. That’s been on my todo list for forever. I told her I wanted to move to New York. She said it would be very expensive, and I agreed. But I can’t stay here long-term. I told her I keep giving myself one year to decide what I want to do, and each year since I’ve been here, I’ve been giving myself another year and another year. One day it’s going to have to stop.

I think I’m type of guy who can’t stay in one place until he’s found what he’s looking for. I don’t know what that is or if that’s even true, but it feels true. It feels like I’m looking for a home, and every time I think I’m there, I screw it up.

My home feels great. I really love my couch, and I love the idea of the two new posters I bought and that are coming within the next few days. I love the idea of printing out a ton of pictures of my family and hanging them up all over the place. All over the place. I really want to bring somebody over to hang out and talk and other human things. The last piece of the puzzle is a TV. I need a TV, he said resignedly. Not yet, though, since I’m still paying off my expenses from California, like my car repairs, furniture, and gas. Hey, at least my credit score is over 745.

I spent most of my time at home on my couch, and it was amazing. I read and I watched TV and I’m trying to spend less time on my bed so I can fall asleep much quicker. Working out helped me sleep quick, but since I haven’t worked out in a few weeks, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I take my pack test this Thursday, where I don’t know how I’ll do, and afterwards, once I’m in pain and sore, I’ll think about riding that wave back to a regular workout routine.

All three areas of my life have taken a backseat these past few months, but I’ve been focusing on one part — reading — this week, especially today. I’m really enjoying my New Yorker subscription. I finished the June 8 & 15 issue yesterday, and I’m halfway through the June 22nd issue. I should get this week’s issue tomorrow, so I’m hoping to get caught up in the next few days so by next week I’m all caught up. It’s a small and somewhat trivial thing to do, but small steps. I was also reminded on how much I missed reading on a couch. In 2011, I read over 100 books, and I did most of it on my mom’s couch back in California. Today reminded me of that. When you’re not thinking about comfort, your mind focuses on the task of reading. I don’t know.

That leaves me with writing. I’m done with my novel, and I still do think giving it space makes sense, but I miss writing. Every time I begin these entries, I think about writing fiction and I miss it, but I don’t miss waking up at 5 AM every morning to write. I’ve been waking up at 6 AM every morning, making a cup of coffee, and watching an episode of television on Netflix. This routine works for me, and it’s also making me super lazy. I’ve watched more TV these past few months than I did all of last year. I might be exaggerating, but that’s what it feels like.

So: working out will be crossed after the pack test on Thursday, reading has been going well and will continue to go well for now, and writing is in this nebulous zone right now. Small steps, small victories. That’s the only way to get back on track, and that’s what I want to do, to get back on track.

I bought a couch, and that marks the beginning of my midlife crisis. I say that it’s a midlife crisis because I kept asking myself whether I would have done this a few months ago, when things were seemingly going so well for me. The answer would have been no. I was happy with what I had, what I owned, and where I was in life. I’m unhappy. I decided to buy a couch to fill some sort of void inside of me, and you know what? I did, in a sense. I love the couch I chose, the place I put it, and the brio it gives my place. My place is my place, and my place feels like home. It’s awesome. I have a few more decorations to put up on my walls, but once I do that, I’m going to have to decide whether or not to get a TV. I implicitly decided not to get one once I decided to get a couch, but I was talking to my brother-in-law about it, and he said I could mount one up on my wall pretty easily. I didn’t think of that. That’s one thing I’m going to sit on for a bit and simply see what to do later.

My day has been long. I met the couch seller in Missoula, which is about an hour away. He lived on the fourth floor of this really nice apartment complex, and once I saw the couch, sat on it and knew the couch was perfect, I paid the man his cash and we carried the piece of furniture down four flights of stairs and crammed it into the back of my Durango. It fit perfectly. And now here we are, a man who’s lived in his own apartment for two and a half years and now, finally, has a couch. Better late than never, right?

I’m bragging about a couch. My brother-in-law said I need to go out on a date. I agree with him. I do. This couch is making me too giddy, right? I have nothing else going on in my life that a couch is my highpoint. Or low-point, depending on how you look at it. I might be in the middle of a midlife crisis. Who knows how long it’s been going on. Maybe since the first entry of this blog. Ha. Or maybe this weekend. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just self-dramatizing my life in order to have something to write about because I still need two and a half more months of writing before I’m done with my one year project. Or maybe this is just me, whatever this means. All this. All of it. The entirety of my life. It’s just me.

I plan to sit on my new couch and relax and read and think and maybe bring a girl over and watch my nonexistent TV and not talk and not read and not do anything but sex. It’s a love seat after all and TV is a distraction.

In order to distract myself from the hardships of life, I spent today rearranging my home in preparation for my new couch. I’m driving to Missoula tomorrow to pick it up from some guy I met through Craigslist. I bought two new posters and two poster frames to fill out my walls a little bit, and I’m in the middle of curating a selection of photos I’m going to print using Fracture. I really like what I have right now, and I’m really excited to try out my new ideas. I’m getting a couch! It’s going to really make my home feel like a home.

I’m not going anywhere. I need my home to be as comfortable as possible because I’m resigned to the fact that I don’t deserve anyone right now. I’m one of those people who just isn’t supposed to be with anyone, and at the moment, I’m okay with that. It is what it is, and I’m going to learn to live with it for now. I don’t know how long this will last, but at the moment, it feels indefinite.

Maybe one day I’ll write all the shit that I’ve purposely not written about on here, but that day hasn’t come yet. I’m still processing it all. I don’t know if I’m going firefighting this year. I honestly just feel lost, but I can’t delve any deeper than that because I simply don’t know what’s going on or what exactly I’m feeling.

I don’t think I’m a good person. I feel that but I don’t think that’s true. Good is the wrong word. I think I’m supposed to be alone. Sure, I’ll always have friends and family, but I’m always going to feel alone. That makes me feel bitter and angry and accepting of it all. Like I deserve it for some reason. I think I do deserve it. I’m not healthy.

I’m sad and tired and lost and a dozen more emotions. I drank a full bottle of wine last night and I passed out early. Then I woke up about three hours later, at around midnight, and I didn’t go back to sleep. I took an hour nap but I’ve been running on about four hours of sleep for the past 37 hours. I’m tired and done.

I rearranged furniture in my house because I decided that I’m going to get a couch. I really love this idea because I really want a couch to sit on instead of my bed, which I’m in far too long each day. I want a couch to sit on and lie down and read on and maybe even nap on. I moved my desk in front of the window, and it looks amazing there. I’m still tweaking my place, especially when I don’t know when I’m getting a couch, but even if I don’t, I’m going to live with this setup for now. It’s nice. I bought two more posters to fill out the walls, and I think they’ll look great once they arrive. Since I spend so much time at home, I think it’s a good idea to invest my money in it. We’ll see once everything settles down. I didn’t go to Missoula today even though I wanted to. I might go tomorrow if I get this couch I found there. The seller is yet to reply to me, so I hope it’s not too late.

Yesterday was a weird day. I still feel the same, but I guess I’m accustomed to feeling that way that I have no reason to change my feelings. My life sucks sometimes, but it’s the only one I got so I have to suck it up and be a man. But I wasn’t wrong when I said a lot of these entries are feeling pointless. It’s summer; I want to relax.

I’ve been drinking since about 3 PM, and I don’t want to dig deep with my writing tonight, because all I want to do is watch TV and drown in self pity because I think I’m destined to ruin every good thing that’s ever happened to me. I think I’m meant to be miserable, and that thought sucks but it’s also comforting. It’s comforting because it’s an answer to something I’ve been feeling for maybe my whole life, and that’s whether I’m going to be with somebody or not. And I’m not. I can’t. I won’t let it. I’m stupid and self-destructive and oblivious to the stupidity and selfishness of my actions.

I don’t want to open up more than that. I had a really bad day, and the thought of keeping this blog updated feels trivial and pointless. So I’m going to end it here.

The Windows 8 deployment at school is going pretty well. I’m very happy with how it’s been going lately. Out of the 90 netbooks I’m working on, about 60 of them have been updated, with the remaining 30 left to go. These are the high school ones, and I just started with them today. I could be done with them all by tomorrow, which is fantastic. That’ll leave me with about 30 Lenovo laptops to update next week, and the hard part will be done. I can then create customized task sequences and deploy them easily to the desktops that need to be updated. Once I do that, I’ll be done and this project will be done and my main summer responsibility will be done. It’s really awesome, especially since these netbooks are running better than I’ve ever seen then run. The kids are in for a treat this Fall.

Life has been chugging along at a nice pace, and I’m neither happy or unhappy with it. It is what it is, and I’m I think I’m okay with that. I don’t know for sure. I wish I worked out more and read more and wrote more, but I’m still enjoying my break from all that, to a point. I’m doing my best to at least read, especially since I have two unread New Yorker magazines to go through. I received on yesterday, and I received another one today. I’m also still in the middle of White Teeth by Zadie Smith, so I’m not without stuff to read. As far as writing goes, I’m still not far enough removed from my novel to want to get started on it. It’ll come to me soon. I can feel that. But working out, that’s something that’s bothering me more than the rest. At first, I stopped working out because it was simply too hot. Then as I got used to not working out, it got really hard to simply get started, and now I’m back to struggling with that. I’m taking my pack test (for sure this time) next Thursday, and I want to be in somewhat good shape for that. I’ll try to pick my ass up and get started on that soon.

I’ve been thinking a lot about buying stuff for my home, and I think that’s a symptom to a problem I don’t know I have yet. Maybe something’s bothering me, or I’m unhappy or depressed or something, but, for some reason, I can’t see it yet. I know I can go a long time without buying anything because I’ve done it before, and the act of not buying anything made me happy. Do I think I’ll be happier if I buy stuff? Am I trying to fill some hole? I don’t know. I just know that I’m eager to buy stuff, and I don’t know why.

I’ve also been too concerned with old relationships lately, and that in itself could be a symptom to a much bigger and potentially dangerous problem I can’t even see yet. Hopefully I figure it out soon.

I received my very first issue of the New Yorker magazine, and I was uncharacteristically excited for it. Every mail day for the past week I’ve come home from work eagerly checking the mailbox. I signed up for this magazine weeks ago, so it was about time I got my first physical copy of it. I started to read it on my iPad and iPhone last week, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to hold something in my hands and read it, and I’m glad I finally can. It comes at an amazing time because I’ve been itching to read the news ever since I cut out RSS feeds a few weeks ago. I’m even visiting some of my favorite sites on a regular basis because I need my fix. Why did I quit in the first place?

I was tired of feeling burdened to go through and read my RSS feeds every day, and I was tired of the “blog-y” type of writing, like hyperbolic and click-baity headlines. It’s not that much better going to their sites manually and just checking to see what’s out there, but it has helped me reclaim some time. I find myself checking my phone less. I’m checking Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat a lot less than in the past, and instead I’m reading newsletters in Mail or reading stuff I’ve saved in Instapaper. I’m still learning more about myself in this regards, which sounds kind of overzealous but whatever, so I still need more time to really evaluate this part of myself. My desire to check my phone constantly is diminishing, though, and that’s a good thing.

I want to be a better and more voracious reader. That was my goal when I set it when I set it, which was whenever ago. I’m not amazing yet (if yet will ever happen), but it’s all about the journey, and I like it. I’ll get frustrated for sure, but that’s part of the journey. Remember how excited I was about photography? I think I have ADD. No, seriously, disregard the fact that I used to meditate 15 minutes every morning for the past year, and the fact that I really don’t have ADD, but I think I have ADD. I’m like Dug from Up yelling Squirrel! at every new thing that comes into my periphery. New Yorker! Books! Missoula! Photography! Working out! Writing! Girls! Bullshit!

I’m having fun, though. I think. I honestly don’t know. Like I wrote about a few days ago, it feels like I’m floating. Not sure what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway. Just seeing where life wants to take me, with no plan or goals or whatever. Just trying to beeeeeeeee. Is it working?

I fasted today because I’ve been feeling really unhealthy lately, and, in an act of completely openness and honesty, I didn’t want to wash my dishes from last night, which included my only plate and frying pan. I don’t eat cereal or anything else I don’t have to cook, so I decided to fast. It wasn’t a complete 24-hour fast, but it was close, about 21-22 hours. I had spaghetti and it was delicious. I used to fast all the time, but for the past year to year and a half, I stopped. I forgot how good it makes me feel, to fast. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel leaner, which sounds obvious, but it’s a feeling that makes me feel strong. And then when I have my first bite of food, that food tastes amazing, which I also missed about fasting. It was actually a great day to fast because of how busy I was at work. I’m practically done upgrading the Elementary school netbooks, and I learned a few good techniques for when I need to update the Middle School and High School netbooks this week and next.

One thing that’s bothering me about work are all the distractions. For example, yesterday the superintendent asked me to call one of the new teachers because he didn’t know how to switch users from the login screen in Windows 8. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? I had logged out, and when he tried to log in, my name was in the user name field and the page asked for my password. I didn’t cal him because he needed to figure it out on his own. There’s an arrow pointing to the left in the upper left of the screen, which is the universal symbol for going back. If he clicked on that, he would have gone back to the login page and been able to login. Sigh. Other types of distractions are teachers asking me to install apps, or especially when people call me to ask for trivial shit. For example, again, the superintendent asked me if anything was wrong with our domain. I said no and asked why. Apparently, two teachers weren’t able to log in to their computers. I checked it out and they were entering the wrong fucking password. I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. You just wasted 20 minutes of my day you stupid people. I thought teachers were supposed to be smart? Blimey.

I think I was cranky for not having any food today while at work. I was super cranky, but I had reason to be. I’m rebuilding the entire school infrastructure into something more modern and simply better than what it has ever been. This isn’t easy. This isn’t a walk in the park. I need my time and my focus devoted singularly to this one task. Leave me alone to do my work. The spaghetti was good and it made me happy.

I had my firefighter physical exam this morning, and the docs say I’m in great health. My blood pressure is great, my heart rate is great, and my doctor even told me that I have the healthiest ears she’s seen in months. There were a lot of tests taken, more than I’ve ever had before, and it was a relief to know I’m in good health. I really didn’t have any question about it, but it’s nice to have it confirmed officially.

Did I mention I finished Gilmore Girls last night? Yeah, I’m distraught that it’s over. Today I found myself having no idea what to do. I kind of want to rewatch it again, but instead I’m rewatching the first season of Daredevil. It’s a great distraction from the doldrums of life. Work, and I might regret saying this later, is boring me right now. I have projects, sure, but I don’t know… they’re not interesting me anymore. It feels like drudgery. I know upgrading everything to a more modern operating system will help me in the long run, but I’m not in the mood to work. I’m not in the mood to do anything, to be frank.

I want to spend money that I don’t have. I want to move and live somewhere. I want to stay and work on my craft. I want to leave and read. I don’t want to go firefighting this summer. I can’t wait to go on a fire this year. I’m being pulled in multiple directions and I’m just letting life happen to me. I’m not living it the way I know I should, can, and want to.

Sadly, something I cut out weeks ago is overtaking my thoughts: RSS feeds. I cut out RSS feeds a few weeks ago because I was growing tired of the internet, and instead I wanted to use that time I spent reading them toward reading books instead. That hasn’t really happened yet, even know I know I should be. Right now, even, since the sun is out and still shining brightly, I could read a chapter or two from my book, but I’m not going to. Instead, I want to watch His Girl Friday, The Apartment, or My Fair Lady. One of them. That or more Daredevil. I just want to lie in bed and not do anything.

Why? Why am I being so lazy? I don’t feel driven anymore. I’m like Benjamin Braddock floating in his parents swimming pool in the Graduate. I’m floating right now, adrift on an indifferent sea, slowly letting it take me wherever it wishes without a care in the world. I’m shrugging everything off without much thought to it. How much longer will this last? Until I’m fed up with myself, I think, and judging from past experience, that time is coming up soon.