But I love it anyways.

I’m going to start blogging again. Not sure what it’s going to look like yet, but I am having fun figuring it out. More soon.

Hi, my name is Mario Villalobos, and I’m flawed. Super flawed. Undeniably flawed. That just makes me human.

I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve owned up to my mistakes, and I feel and am better for it. I’ve documented my life for the past 365 days out on the internet, a place that never forgets, and I’ve tried my best to be as honest and as forthright as I could. I may not have always succeeded, but I’m better for having tried. I’ve kept a journal for years, but this was the first time I’ve ever kept one publicly.

How did it go?

It kicked my ass. It really did. I did a lot in 365 days, and I’m kind of amazed that I didn’t break my streak¹ in that time. I drove from Ronan, Montana to San Diego, California, and I pulled over to the side of the road, opened my laptop, and wrote my entry. I spent about a full month combined out in nature while firefighting, and I still managed to write. I couldn’t do it without the valuable pieces of technology that made it all possible: my iPhone 6 and MacBook Air.

And some may say my tenacity. I set out to write for a full year, and I didn’t want anything to stop me. My heart broke last year, and when it was just beginning to heal, broke again, but now it’s healed and stronger than ever. I started it all because of some stupid girl, but because of that stupid girl, I am where I am now. Over 300 (yes, 300, on and off) days of Insanity later, over 202,000 words later, over numerous ups and downs and downs and more downs, and over 360 entries later, I’m stronger and better off than I’ve ever been in my life. Thanks, Rel.

What’s next?

Nothing will change except for the fact that I won’t be updating my blog on a daily basis. My current host is Squarespace, and my account expires in a few days. I’ll be eventually hosting my own WordPress blog, but I’m not sure when that will happen. Keep your eyes out on this domain for updates.

I’ll still be writing in a journal as close to daily as possible, but I will be taking it day by day. I don’t want to feel burdened by the daily act of journalling, especially if it interferes with real life. I’m excited for what’s next. I can do anything. Grad school is a real possibility. EMT classes start in a few weeks. My novel needs to be rewritten. I could meet a girl…

My life is what I make of it. It’s a blank page with a blinking cursor with my fingertips on the keyboard ready to start typing. I can create anything, and that’s what’s so exciting about life: it can be whatever you want it to be, and if you want it to be amazing, then make it amazing.

How do you change?

By taking it one day at a time and trying your best to be as honest and as tenaciously you as you could. And, who knows, maybe the question isn’t how to change but how to actualize your true potential, and that, my friends, is all part of the journey.

Thanks for taking part in my journey.

I’m high right now. So fucking high.

Today was my niece’s sixth birthday party. I’m writing this after that whole ordeal, where mostly my sister’s husband’s family came over and gave my nice a whole lotta shit she doesn’t really need (says the guy who just yesterday went on a shopping spree). She’s a bit spoiled, but she’s turning out okay. I didn’t get her anything. Does that make me a bad uncle? Probably.

I was finally able to see where my brother lives and how he lives. Turns out, not bad. He’s made a pretty good life for himself after the first few years there not knowing how life would turn out for him. It looks like he’s very comfortable and that he eats. That’s always important. He lives very nearby, too, so if something bad ever happens, I’m right there for him.

I never smoked that much weed in my life. Everything got dizzy and I didn’t think I was going to be able to walk back into the kitchen (because we smoked outside) in a straight line. The music sounded so good and the conversation was actually pretty interesting. I forgot what the hell— oh, I remember: politics. My sister’s husband hates hates hates the government, and we were talking about Obamacare, and everything just went to shit. Luckily, someone suggested we play One Night, and so we did, and we had a lot of fun.

I didn’t thinK I was going to be able to drive home, but I somehow managed to, and now I’m in bed writing this. I’m still kind of high, so I have no idea how I’m not dead yet. Part of me kinda feels like what I’m doing now isn’t real. Is that funny?

This is my penultimate entry, and I’m high and a little bit drunk. And it was my niece’s sixth birthday party. What the fuck is wrong with me?

What have I learned after doing this project for 364 straight days? I’m glad I was able to keep it going during firefighting season because I know how tough it is to keep any semblance of real life going during fire season. I’m so much better off now than when I first started. I didn’t have a job, I was too hung up on Zharelle Edwards, I was sad and depressed and hated myself every time I drank. And now I can drink and get high and still love myself. That’s so much progress. I also have a finished novel to my name, and entirely new home compared to last year, all my books and so many more, I’m a squad boss in firefighting, I have a great job with great co-workers, and I performed Insanity for over 200 days. This was a great year. And it all comes to an end tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be my last entry on this blog for a while. My Squarespace account expires in a few days, and I think my blog will be offline then. I’m working on transferring it over into a WordPress blog, but I have no timetable on that. So I may be saying goodbye tomorrow. If I will, then I hope I’m not too high.

Well, Amazon and Ugmonk were happily paid today by me. I have stuff coming next week!

I spent close to $600 on 12 items today, and it took months, maybe even a year, to build up my wish list, and today, it’s 12 items shorter. My purchases were a mixture of definite needs (a new frying pan, windshield wipers for my car, a snow broom), and needs (a $38 black leather mousepad, a small $200 SONOS speaker), and others were in between (a 2 TB hard drive, an Apple Wireless Mouse to replace my broken Apple Wireless Trackpad). I bought stuff for my kitchen, car, and home, and I’m excited. Unfortunately, this is just phase 1 for me. I’m building phase 2 as we speak, but I might not pull the trigger on it for a few months. It might or might not include a TV.

Today was slow, calm, and awesome. I spent most of this rainy day indoors, and began to re-watch season 7 of Doctor Who. Season 8 came out on Netflix not too long ago, but it had been so long since I watched Doctor Who that I wanted a refresher. I love this show so much. I’m so happy I pulled the trigger on it years ago when I saw it on Netflix because wow… it’s one of my comfort shows. That and probably Gilmore Girls. I don’t have many of them, and I rarely go back and re-watch past episodes or seasons of shows I’ve already watched, but Doctor Who is definitely one of them.

The one purchase I’m most excited for, and it definitely falls into the want category, is the $200 SONOS Play:1 speaker. I don’t know how many times I wanted to simply listen to music aloud while reading or writing or doing chores but couldn’t because all I had were the builtin speakers for my iPhone and Mac. Not good enough. So I’m entering the world that SONOS has created with its speakers, and I can’t wait. The other purchases I’m most excited for are the Apple Wireless Mouse with black leather mousepad.

Is it weird that I’m waxing rhapsodic over fucking products? Especially when I’m so close to the end? Considering how great the products I bought last year have treated me, I think the answer is that no, it’s not weird. I try to choose my products carefully. These have been on my wish list for a long time, and I’ve thought about them, and I cull my list all the time. I will use everything I bought, and that’s what I think makes my shopping sprees different from other people’s. Yes, maybe that’s arrogant, and if so, so be it.

I have two more entries after this one. I can finally reclaim my nights! I totally would have kept lying on my couch watching YouTube and Netflix if I didn’t have to write an entry on my blog. But my willpower will only have to last for a few more days. Then: BAM. Blog will be offline.

I need to stop driving while spending some of the night drinking. It’s going to bite me in the ass sooner rather than later.

I had fun, though. After work, I bought some beers and drove directly to my sister’s place, where I hung out with my mom, had some amazing Mexican food, and then slept on and off for the next few hours because I was exhausted and full and a bit buzzed, but afterwards, once night fell and more people came over, we played some One Night, which is an awesomely fun game. I’m tired right now, and it’s late (11:09 PM), but I feel awful that it’s day 362 and I’m not writing that much.

My mom’s here. I only get to see her maybe once a year. Fire season is over, and she’ll be here up until day 365. I will write what I write. I have nothing spectacular planned. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I no longer care about some stupid girl and instead am eager to find the next one. Who is she? Where is she? When will I meet her? It’s fun.

I’m also eager to reboot my life again. God, again. How many times do I need to do that in a given year? A lot, apparently. I need to start working out again and eating better. I need to rewrite my novel. I need to buy needed supplies. I’m still conflicted whether or not I should buy a TV. A good TV will set me back hundreds of dollars, eating into my ability to buy other much needed items. But a TV is a TV. I can buy a PS4 and play video games and watch DVDs and Netflix and Hulu and invite people over and watch TV on my couch and bed and have fun. Or I could buy more kitchen equipment, cook delicious meals with them, and help with my diet and social skills in that way. I think the latter is where I’m leaning toward. I guess the TV will have to wait.

I don’t know how far I’ve come since it seems like I’m still worried about and struggling with many of the same things I’ve been struggling with all year. I weigh more than I did then and probably in not much better shape. I can cook better. I am happier. I do have a finished novel to my name. I do have a wonderful and high paying job. I’m rid of the toxic people in my life. I’m a squad boss in firefighting. I have a wonderful home. Life is awesome but can always, always, improve.

Kaizen is the concept of continuous improvement. Maybe that’s simply the theme of my journey: continuous improvement. No matter how far I get, the process is still in the journey. I will never reach my destination because my destination comes with death. And I’m living until then. So you’ve all been part of just one year of my journey. We’ll see what happens next.

It’s late because I spent the last 7 or so hours with my mom and my family. We played One Night, which is this really awesome game where you play roles and try to figure out who, if anybody, is a werewolf. It’s a fun game that makes you lie, investigate, and deduce who you think might be a werewolf. There’s a lot more complexity to it than that, but even just that simple premise makes this a really fun game. I can’t wait to play more of this tomorrow.

We went to eat at this pretty good pizza place in Polson, where I had more cheese than I’ve had in a long time and a small, 16 oz (!!) Cold Smoke beer. Oh, I also finally used my Dodge Durango to drive a full 7 people to eat. It was really cool to drive my whole family there, and everyone seemed to have a great time.

My mom looks great and it’s great having her back. I took her out to lunch today, and it was good catching up with her again, and then she even played with us at night. We had a really fun night.

I’m on Day 361 now, and I’m tired, so I don’t think I’ll make it to 500 days. I’ve yet to shower, and I won’t tonight. I might tomorrow. I’m sleeping in an hour, which means I might just skip breakfast.

I ate and drank too much anyway.