Spent most of the day glued to my TV and devices while I followed an eventful MLB trade deadline. This isn’t quite the vacation I wanted, but it’s the vacation I have, and I’m spending it how I want: lazily and at home. I should get my car tomorrow, but I’ll believe it once I’m driving it again.

I remember that back in May, I stayed up past midnight so I can see the aurora borealis for the first time in my life. I grabbed my bag with my camera in it, put on my sandals, and hit the road. I had no idea where I was going, but once I was on the road, I remember feeling both excited and free. I could go wherever I want, I remember thinking, and in a way, I did. I went down a road I’d never gone down before, I found a dark and secluded area, I parked my car, and I took some photos of the beautiful night sky.

I miss my car and the freedom and possibilities it gave me. I hope I get it back tomorrow.

Took the weekend off to drown myself in distractions and to try and get to this morning as quickly as possible. I dropped my car off at the shop at 9am, and a little bit after 3pm I received a call from them: my alternator is shot, they won’t have the part until Wednesday, and because of where the alternator is located, they have to remove my AC compressor and drain the coolant, all of which will add to the overall cost of the repair. “Whatever it costs, I’m okay with,” I told them. “Okay, the total cost will be—“ and he rattled off four figures.

I made a soft noise and shrugged it off. I was supposed to take all of next week off from work while I went on my road trip, but this setback convinced me to cancel it. Instead, I’m taking my vacation now while I’m out of a car until at least Wednesday. I’ve been knee-deep in MLB’s trade deadline, and that should keep my mind busy until tomorrow.

Also, my marigolds are thriving, and watching these buds grow and then eventually sprout has been some of the coolest moments I’ve had in a while. My bank account will definitely be poorer soon, but my spirit isn’t and won’t be any time soon.

I slept in because I didn’t get much sleep the night before. Without my car, I stayed in, lazed about, watched some baseball and F1 highlights, read some stuff, played some video games, worked out, and watched the Padres beat the Orioles in a very fun and intense game.

It somewhat hit me today that I’m probably going to cancel my road trip scheduled for the end of next week regardless of what happens to my Jeep when I take it to the shop on Monday, and I’m not going to lie, I’m sad about that. I’m wrestling with this decision and I shouldn’t be because I don’t have all the answers yet. I can only control what I can control, and right now, I’m yearning for distraction until Monday.

Last night, a severe storm with winds that raged up to 109mph hit my corner of Montana, knocking out power and damaging whatever got in its way. I woke up in the middle of the night with no power and the strong winds rattling my doors and windows. If this heatwave wasn’t enough, now we have to worry about hurricane level winds? Jeesh.

I woke up at 1:30am and I wasn’t able to get back to sleep before I had to get going with my day. Fortunately, power returned to my small town, so I was able to stop by my favorite coffee shop before I headed to work. This shop sells some funny stickers, and here are a few I liked that I sent to my friend on Snapchat. Both hit home today.

Admired the reddish skies this morning while I waited for my friend to pick me up before work. According to the weather forecast, today should be the last day temperature gauges hit anything above 90° for the next week, and I welcome any relief from the heat, even if the highs will still be in the 80s. Not having my car has been inconvenient, but relief is only a few days away, and I can’t wait. In the meantime, I’ve been learning more about alternators and enjoying some good baseball games.

On my way home from work on Friday, I saw the battery light on my dash turn on. My car drove fine, so I drove it home. I later did some research on what it could mean and what I could do. On Saturday, I removed the battery cover and checked the wires, making sure nothing looked frayed, and I checked the battery connectors, making sure those didn’t look corroded or anything. Everything looked fine, at least to my untrained eyes. I drove to work on Monday with the light on, and I drove back home after work with the light on, and everything seemed fine. This morning I took my car into Les Schwab and asked them to test my battery. They told me my battery was fine.

My alternator, though, wasn’t.

I had planned to leave on my road trip at the end of next week, and the soonest I can take my car into the shop is this coming Monday. I’m hopeful everything will turn out fine, that I’ll get my alternator replaced, that I can take my car on a planned 3,500 to 4,000 mile road trip next week, but there’s always that little buzzing at the back of my head when something like this happens, when the Universe looks at my plans and just laughs. I’m grateful I have good friends that have answered my pleas for help. I had to take work off today, but a friend of mine will be able to drive me to work this week, and I am forever grateful for her help.

For now, my beloved Jeep will sit quietly in the lot until Monday, and all I can do is hope for the best.

Shohei Ohtani is the best player in baseball right now, and he could end up being the best player of all time, the GOAT of GOAT’s. To be the best at something, you have to sacrifice so much, and Ohtani is no different. I was so fascinated by Ken Rosenthal’s article today in The Athletic about Ohtani and the relationships around him (paywall).

Joe Maddon, Ohtani’s manager with the Angels from 2020 to June 2022, asked:

“Was he that married to baseball?”

The answer, those in Ohtani’s orbit say, was yes. Experts say such single-mindedness is not uncommon among Japanese athletes. But while many players who moved from Japan to the majors showed intense focus, Ohtani’s single-mindedness as both a pitcher and hitter is a level above.

Even though the article was focused more on the relationships around Ohtani, particularly Ippei Mizuhara, his interpreter that pilfered almost $17 million from Ohtani to satisfy his gambling debts, I was most interested in Ohtani’s intense focus to simply be the best, to be great. “One former Angels employee,” the article continues,

described Ohtani’s work-life balance as “99 to 1” in favor of work. He was so regimented in his daily preparation as a pitcher and hitter, the employee said, “it was not in his mind space to enjoy the moment.” Ohtani would take an iPad home to watch the next day’s starting pitcher. He even monitored his sleep — Sports Illustrated reported Ohtani strives for 10 hours a night, plus a two-hour nap before a game — through a wearable device.

Ten hours of sleep plus a two hour nap before the game. Half his day is spent sleeping, the other half is spent working on and becoming the absolute best baseball player he can be.

I’ve latched onto this article today because I am tired of consistently being disappointed with myself whenever I don’t live up to whatever lofty standards I want to meet, and I know I won’t ever be great at something like Ohtani is great at baseball, nor do I actually want to be great like him at any one thing, but I am tired of any and all excuses I come up with for not doing something I want to do. I want to do a lot of things, and I would love to be great at them, but at the very least, I want to respect myself and the things I want to do, and I don’t think I am. I feel like I’m consistently disrespecting myself and the things I want to accomplish, and I feel like I’ve lost my focus. The coronavirus obviously did not help, but if I’m being truthful to myself, I feel like I had lost it years before that.

One way I’ve tried to motivate myself is by reminding myself of what I have done and what I have accomplished, but instead of having that energize me, it drains me. I’ve read books and tried productivity systems and I’ve tried building habits and so many other things, and yet… I’m still here, frustrated and angry and depressed and a million other things. Again, I’m not comparing myself to Ohtani because he’s such a unicorn, but what I am doing is looking at his motivation to be great to my own lack of motivation to even read a book, let alone writing one.

I’m frustrated because I used to have this insane level of motivation to push myself to become something greater than my own imagination could conjure up, and it’s just gone now. Where did it go? Fuck, it’s frustrating. Where did it go? I don’t know, and I have no idea where to even begin to find it again.

I first met Rickisha Bear ten years ago. She was a 5th grader at my school district, and I remember how outgoing and funny she was even at that young age. She was not afraid to joke around with someone a few decades older than her, and I loved joking with her back. She transferred to another school during her 6th grade year, and sadly, I didn’t really think of her much after that. Kids come and go at the school, and I tend to forget about people when they’re out of sight.

Rickisha went missing five months ago, and I first heard about it on Facebook when a former teacher of hers posted about it. I shared her story to my Facebook feed and hoped for the best. The history of missing indigenous women is not a good one, and I didn’t want to lose hope that Kisha was still alive somewhere out there… but again, out of sight, out of mind (I hate that I’m admitting this, but goddammit it’s the truth and the truth fucking sucks sometimes).

I went to the laundromat to do laundry this morning, and right there on the bulletin board I saw her face again. “Bring Kisha Home!” I felt sad and guilty and simply heartbroken that she is still missing. She recently turned 20 years old, and… fuck. I don’t know. If anyone reading this has seen or heard from her, please send a message to this email or call or text (406) 604-2423. Bring Kisha home. Please.

I bought College Football 25 for my PS5 today, the first time I’ve purchased an EA Sports game in maybe two decades. After the heart-pumping intro, I was met with this Positive Play message that truly warmed my heart. Is this relatively new? Has it been part of EA games for a while? I’m not sure, but I liked it. I chose the USC Trojans as my favorite team because they are my alma mater, and I began a quick match against Stanford. I beat them 70-0, and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long while. I then began the new dynasty mode, but I had to cut it short, so I couldn’t quite delve too deeply into it.

I don’t play video games as much as I used to, and I think that’s mostly because I’ve trained myself to think of them as pointless distractions. I tell myself that I should be writing or that I should be reading or that I should be finishing this project or that project. And maybe that’s still true most of the time, but even without video games, I’m not always working or getting things done. God, I wish I was working and getting things done most of the time! But I’m not, and that’s just the honest truth. Hell, I’ve had to drag myself off my ass to write these daily entries every night and to grab my camera and shoot something, regardless of “quality”.

And maybe that’s where my attitude on things needs to change. Like EA’s message, play can be positive, and maybe I should let some of it back into my life. After all, all work and no play makes Mario a dull boy, and nobody wants that.

I think all this smoke has driven everyone crazy. A couple of employees (and friends of mine) resigned from the school today, a few days after a somewhat contentious board meeting, or so I’ve been told since I didn’t go. Small towns spread rumors faster than conspiracy theories at a Trump rally, and I heard one thing one moment and the complete opposite the next that at some point, I simply stopped caring. Maybe that makes me a bad person or a bad friend, and honestly, maybe I am both, and I think that’s okay because this smoke has driven me crazy, too.

I went back to the reservoir and saw a few kids fishing. I drove past their ATV and found a nice spot by the rocks. I breathed in the fresh smoky air and shot some photos with my X-T4, and then I went home.