On my way home from work on Friday, I saw the battery light on my dash turn on. My car drove fine, so I drove it home. I later did some research on what it could mean and what I could do. On Saturday, I removed the battery cover and checked the wires, making sure nothing looked frayed, and I checked the battery connectors, making sure those didn’t look corroded or anything. Everything looked fine, at least to my untrained eyes. I drove to work on Monday with the light on, and I drove back home after work with the light on, and everything seemed fine. This morning I took my car into Les Schwab and asked them to test my battery. They told me my battery was fine.

My alternator, though, wasn’t.

I had planned to leave on my road trip at the end of next week, and the soonest I can take my car into the shop is this coming Monday. I’m hopeful everything will turn out fine, that I’ll get my alternator replaced, that I can take my car on a planned 3,500 to 4,000 mile road trip next week, but there’s always that little buzzing at the back of my head when something like this happens, when the Universe looks at my plans and just laughs. I’m grateful I have good friends that have answered my pleas for help. I had to take work off today, but a friend of mine will be able to drive me to work this week, and I am forever grateful for her help.

For now, my beloved Jeep will sit quietly in the lot until Monday, and all I can do is hope for the best.

Shohei Ohtani is the best player in baseball right now, and he could end up being the best player of all time, the GOAT of GOAT’s. To be the best at something, you have to sacrifice so much, and Ohtani is no different. I was so fascinated by Ken Rosenthal’s article today in The Athletic about Ohtani and the relationships around him (paywall).

Joe Maddon, Ohtani’s manager with the Angels from 2020 to June 2022, asked:

“Was he that married to baseball?”

The answer, those in Ohtani’s orbit say, was yes. Experts say such single-mindedness is not uncommon among Japanese athletes. But while many players who moved from Japan to the majors showed intense focus, Ohtani’s single-mindedness as both a pitcher and hitter is a level above.

Even though the article was focused more on the relationships around Ohtani, particularly Ippei Mizuhara, his interpreter that pilfered almost $17 million from Ohtani to satisfy his gambling debts, I was most interested in Ohtani’s intense focus to simply be the best, to be great. “One former Angels employee,” the article continues,

described Ohtani’s work-life balance as “99 to 1” in favor of work. He was so regimented in his daily preparation as a pitcher and hitter, the employee said, “it was not in his mind space to enjoy the moment.” Ohtani would take an iPad home to watch the next day’s starting pitcher. He even monitored his sleep — Sports Illustrated reported Ohtani strives for 10 hours a night, plus a two-hour nap before a game — through a wearable device.

Ten hours of sleep plus a two hour nap before the game. Half his day is spent sleeping, the other half is spent working on and becoming the absolute best baseball player he can be.

I’ve latched onto this article today because I am tired of consistently being disappointed with myself whenever I don’t live up to whatever lofty standards I want to meet, and I know I won’t ever be great at something like Ohtani is great at baseball, nor do I actually want to be great like him at any one thing, but I am tired of any and all excuses I come up with for not doing something I want to do. I want to do a lot of things, and I would love to be great at them, but at the very least, I want to respect myself and the things I want to do, and I don’t think I am. I feel like I’m consistently disrespecting myself and the things I want to accomplish, and I feel like I’ve lost my focus. The coronavirus obviously did not help, but if I’m being truthful to myself, I feel like I had lost it years before that.

One way I’ve tried to motivate myself is by reminding myself of what I have done and what I have accomplished, but instead of having that energize me, it drains me. I’ve read books and tried productivity systems and I’ve tried building habits and so many other things, and yet… I’m still here, frustrated and angry and depressed and a million other things. Again, I’m not comparing myself to Ohtani because he’s such a unicorn, but what I am doing is looking at his motivation to be great to my own lack of motivation to even read a book, let alone writing one.

I’m frustrated because I used to have this insane level of motivation to push myself to become something greater than my own imagination could conjure up, and it’s just gone now. Where did it go? Fuck, it’s frustrating. Where did it go? I don’t know, and I have no idea where to even begin to find it again.

I first met Rickisha Bear ten years ago. She was a 5th grader at my school district, and I remember how outgoing and funny she was even at that young age. She was not afraid to joke around with someone a few decades older than her, and I loved joking with her back. She transferred to another school during her 6th grade year, and sadly, I didn’t really think of her much after that. Kids come and go at the school, and I tend to forget about people when they’re out of sight.

Rickisha went missing five months ago, and I first heard about it on Facebook when a former teacher of hers posted about it. I shared her story to my Facebook feed and hoped for the best. The history of missing indigenous women is not a good one, and I didn’t want to lose hope that Kisha was still alive somewhere out there… but again, out of sight, out of mind (I hate that I’m admitting this, but goddammit it’s the truth and the truth fucking sucks sometimes).

I went to the laundromat to do laundry this morning, and right there on the bulletin board I saw her face again. “Bring Kisha Home!” I felt sad and guilty and simply heartbroken that she is still missing. She recently turned 20 years old, and… fuck. I don’t know. If anyone reading this has seen or heard from her, please send a message to this email or call or text (406) 604-2423. Bring Kisha home. Please.

I bought College Football 25 for my PS5 today, the first time I’ve purchased an EA Sports game in maybe two decades. After the heart-pumping intro, I was met with this Positive Play message that truly warmed my heart. Is this relatively new? Has it been part of EA games for a while? I’m not sure, but I liked it. I chose the USC Trojans as my favorite team because they are my alma mater, and I began a quick match against Stanford. I beat them 70-0, and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long while. I then began the new dynasty mode, but I had to cut it short, so I couldn’t quite delve too deeply into it.

I don’t play video games as much as I used to, and I think that’s mostly because I’ve trained myself to think of them as pointless distractions. I tell myself that I should be writing or that I should be reading or that I should be finishing this project or that project. And maybe that’s still true most of the time, but even without video games, I’m not always working or getting things done. God, I wish I was working and getting things done most of the time! But I’m not, and that’s just the honest truth. Hell, I’ve had to drag myself off my ass to write these daily entries every night and to grab my camera and shoot something, regardless of “quality”.

And maybe that’s where my attitude on things needs to change. Like EA’s message, play can be positive, and maybe I should let some of it back into my life. After all, all work and no play makes Mario a dull boy, and nobody wants that.

I think all this smoke has driven everyone crazy. A couple of employees (and friends of mine) resigned from the school today, a few days after a somewhat contentious board meeting, or so I’ve been told since I didn’t go. Small towns spread rumors faster than conspiracy theories at a Trump rally, and I heard one thing one moment and the complete opposite the next that at some point, I simply stopped caring. Maybe that makes me a bad person or a bad friend, and honestly, maybe I am both, and I think that’s okay because this smoke has driven me crazy, too.

I went back to the reservoir and saw a few kids fishing. I drove past their ATV and found a nice spot by the rocks. I breathed in the fresh smoky air and shot some photos with my X-T4, and then I went home.

More of Montana is burning and the skies are thick with smoke. A fire broke out about 10 miles down the road from me and western Montana is now under stage I and stage II fire restrictions. This relentless heatwave sees no sign of easing off any time soon, and this smoke will only make things hotter.

I could taste the air on my way to work this morning, so I stopped off to get a cup of coffee at my favorite coffee shop. I enjoyed it while I grabbed my camera and snapped a few photos of the hazy skies.

Sloppy joes for dinner tonight.

There aren’t enough wildland firefighters and the Miller Peak Fire has grown to over 1,900 acres, something I knew would happen a few days ago. That temptation to un-retire from firefighting is growing stronger and stronger… but wildland firefighting is its own kind of commitment that I don’t think I can afford to make anymore. I do miss it, though.

I subscribed to The Athletic yesterday, and I’ve been very impressed and engrossed with the new season of Hard Knocks: Offseason with the New York Giants. Seeing the behind the scenes at roster construction is interesting as hell. I stopped watching the NFL years ago (around the time the Chargers defected from San Diego to Los Angeles), but I’m considering jumping back into it this year.

Also, I’ve never coached anything in my life, but I am thinking about popping that cherry sometime during this upcoming school year. I love sports, and I love kids, so it only makes sense, right?

My marigolds first began to bloom a few months ago, and since then, they have brought me nothing but joy. They just recently began to bloom some more, and each time I draw open my curtains in the morning, they are the first thing I see, and oh man, I just love seeing them.

Last fall, at the beginning of the school year, our second grade class planted marigolds and the week before the holiday break, they began to hand them out to the staff. They planted them in milk cartons they cut out and painted themselves, and the marigolds were little shoots when they gave me mine.

I’ve never been a plant person, and I really had no idea what to do, other than water them and make sure they get enough sun. However, it was the middle of winter when I received them, so I was very worried they would die quickly. To my surprise, they are still alive, and I think now they’re flourishing, and that’s so much fun to see.

I may have not been a plant person before, but I think I am one now. What else should I plant?

The Miller Peak Fire is the first fire I’ve seen this fire season, and it’s the first time in many years where I actually missed firefighting. I’ve now been out of firefighting longer than I was in it, and it almost feels like another lifetime ago. As of this writing, the Miller Peak Fire is approximately 500 acres, but considering the terrain and the high heat expected this week, it will more than likely expand and grow bigger than that. Now that I’ve been out of firefighting for a while, I’m hoping for a shorter and milder fire season this summer, which is a stark contrast from when I was firefighter, when each fire excited me to no end. Now I have a road trip in a few weeks to look forward to and become excited about.

Sundays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week because it is the one day of the week where I stay in and clean my home. Cleaning makes me appreciate all that I own, and coming home from a long day at work to a place that looks good, that smells good, that feels good, centers me and helps me feel good. I have never been one of those people that cleans regularly, but ever since I picked up this habit a few months ago, I’ve realized how much I don’t want to go back to who I used to be and how I used to live. It has also helped me live more intentionally, to own only what is truly necessary to me and my own happiness, and to not allow things into my life that don’t bring me joy. My Sunday resets are meditative and oh so necessary to my well-being. I love them.