“Hey coach,” my friend said with a fucking smirk on her face. I was making my way to the main office after fixing a potentially expensive error on one of the school’s servers, so I was feeling both relieved and stressed when I saw her, and I rolled my eyes and smiled. “You’ll do good,” she said, and right on cue, the group of middle school boys began walking down the hall and toward the cafeteria. It was lunch time, but what I needed was an ice cold beer, but seeing these kids again and even my friends was enough of a salve for my frayed nerves.

The night before, the school board hired me to be the assistant middle school football coach. I have never coached anything in my life, but last month I mentioned it somewhat offhandedly that I wanted to coach something during this upcoming school year, and I believe that once I put something out into the Universe, the Universe listens and answers back. I’m now a football coach and first practice is on Monday.

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I believe I’ll have fun. And when the people around me tell me that I’ll do a good job, I have to listen and believe them, right? So let’s go.

A normal day, and considering the craziness of the last week, I’ll take it. Went to work and enjoyed the drive and appreciated the routine and I felt grateful for everything. Sometimes it’s good to lose something to appreciate what I had, and I appreciate what I have, from my car, sure, but also my friends, my family, my job, and the fact that I’m breathing. This breath matters, and so does this one, and I can’t lose sight of how lovely that is.

My car is fixed and back in my possession. Even though the repairs were expensive, I didn’t care. Simply driving it back home brought tears to my eyes. I missed it. I really really missed it.

Spent most of the day glued to my TV and devices while I followed an eventful MLB trade deadline. This isn’t quite the vacation I wanted, but it’s the vacation I have, and I’m spending it how I want: lazily and at home. I should get my car tomorrow, but I’ll believe it once I’m driving it again.

I remember that back in May, I stayed up past midnight so I can see the aurora borealis for the first time in my life. I grabbed my bag with my camera in it, put on my sandals, and hit the road. I had no idea where I was going, but once I was on the road, I remember feeling both excited and free. I could go wherever I want, I remember thinking, and in a way, I did. I went down a road I’d never gone down before, I found a dark and secluded area, I parked my car, and I took some photos of the beautiful night sky.

I miss my car and the freedom and possibilities it gave me. I hope I get it back tomorrow.

Took the weekend off to drown myself in distractions and to try and get to this morning as quickly as possible. I dropped my car off at the shop at 9am, and a little bit after 3pm I received a call from them: my alternator is shot, they won’t have the part until Wednesday, and because of where the alternator is located, they have to remove my AC compressor and drain the coolant, all of which will add to the overall cost of the repair. “Whatever it costs, I’m okay with,” I told them. “Okay, the total cost will be—“ and he rattled off four figures.

I made a soft noise and shrugged it off. I was supposed to take all of next week off from work while I went on my road trip, but this setback convinced me to cancel it. Instead, I’m taking my vacation now while I’m out of a car until at least Wednesday. I’ve been knee-deep in MLB’s trade deadline, and that should keep my mind busy until tomorrow.

Also, my marigolds are thriving, and watching these buds grow and then eventually sprout has been some of the coolest moments I’ve had in a while. My bank account will definitely be poorer soon, but my spirit isn’t and won’t be any time soon.

I slept in because I didn’t get much sleep the night before. Without my car, I stayed in, lazed about, watched some baseball and F1 highlights, read some stuff, played some video games, worked out, and watched the Padres beat the Orioles in a very fun and intense game.

It somewhat hit me today that I’m probably going to cancel my road trip scheduled for the end of next week regardless of what happens to my Jeep when I take it to the shop on Monday, and I’m not going to lie, I’m sad about that. I’m wrestling with this decision and I shouldn’t be because I don’t have all the answers yet. I can only control what I can control, and right now, I’m yearning for distraction until Monday.

Last night, a severe storm with winds that raged up to 109mph hit my corner of Montana, knocking out power and damaging whatever got in its way. I woke up in the middle of the night with no power and the strong winds rattling my doors and windows. If this heatwave wasn’t enough, now we have to worry about hurricane level winds? Jeesh.

I woke up at 1:30am and I wasn’t able to get back to sleep before I had to get going with my day. Fortunately, power returned to my small town, so I was able to stop by my favorite coffee shop before I headed to work. This shop sells some funny stickers, and here are a few I liked that I sent to my friend on Snapchat. Both hit home today.

Admired the reddish skies this morning while I waited for my friend to pick me up before work. According to the weather forecast, today should be the last day temperature gauges hit anything above 90° for the next week, and I welcome any relief from the heat, even if the highs will still be in the 80s. Not having my car has been inconvenient, but relief is only a few days away, and I can’t wait. In the meantime, I’ve been learning more about alternators and enjoying some good baseball games.

On my way home from work on Friday, I saw the battery light on my dash turn on. My car drove fine, so I drove it home. I later did some research on what it could mean and what I could do. On Saturday, I removed the battery cover and checked the wires, making sure nothing looked frayed, and I checked the battery connectors, making sure those didn’t look corroded or anything. Everything looked fine, at least to my untrained eyes. I drove to work on Monday with the light on, and I drove back home after work with the light on, and everything seemed fine. This morning I took my car into Les Schwab and asked them to test my battery. They told me my battery was fine.

My alternator, though, wasn’t.

I had planned to leave on my road trip at the end of next week, and the soonest I can take my car into the shop is this coming Monday. I’m hopeful everything will turn out fine, that I’ll get my alternator replaced, that I can take my car on a planned 3,500 to 4,000 mile road trip next week, but there’s always that little buzzing at the back of my head when something like this happens, when the Universe looks at my plans and just laughs. I’m grateful I have good friends that have answered my pleas for help. I had to take work off today, but a friend of mine will be able to drive me to work this week, and I am forever grateful for her help.

For now, my beloved Jeep will sit quietly in the lot until Monday, and all I can do is hope for the best.

Shohei Ohtani is the best player in baseball right now, and he could end up being the best player of all time, the GOAT of GOAT’s. To be the best at something, you have to sacrifice so much, and Ohtani is no different. I was so fascinated by Ken Rosenthal’s article today in The Athletic about Ohtani and the relationships around him (paywall).

Joe Maddon, Ohtani’s manager with the Angels from 2020 to June 2022, asked:

“Was he that married to baseball?”

The answer, those in Ohtani’s orbit say, was yes. Experts say such single-mindedness is not uncommon among Japanese athletes. But while many players who moved from Japan to the majors showed intense focus, Ohtani’s single-mindedness as both a pitcher and hitter is a level above.

Even though the article was focused more on the relationships around Ohtani, particularly Ippei Mizuhara, his interpreter that pilfered almost $17 million from Ohtani to satisfy his gambling debts, I was most interested in Ohtani’s intense focus to simply be the best, to be great. “One former Angels employee,” the article continues,

described Ohtani’s work-life balance as “99 to 1” in favor of work. He was so regimented in his daily preparation as a pitcher and hitter, the employee said, “it was not in his mind space to enjoy the moment.” Ohtani would take an iPad home to watch the next day’s starting pitcher. He even monitored his sleep — Sports Illustrated reported Ohtani strives for 10 hours a night, plus a two-hour nap before a game — through a wearable device.

Ten hours of sleep plus a two hour nap before the game. Half his day is spent sleeping, the other half is spent working on and becoming the absolute best baseball player he can be.

I’ve latched onto this article today because I am tired of consistently being disappointed with myself whenever I don’t live up to whatever lofty standards I want to meet, and I know I won’t ever be great at something like Ohtani is great at baseball, nor do I actually want to be great like him at any one thing, but I am tired of any and all excuses I come up with for not doing something I want to do. I want to do a lot of things, and I would love to be great at them, but at the very least, I want to respect myself and the things I want to do, and I don’t think I am. I feel like I’m consistently disrespecting myself and the things I want to accomplish, and I feel like I’ve lost my focus. The coronavirus obviously did not help, but if I’m being truthful to myself, I feel like I had lost it years before that.

One way I’ve tried to motivate myself is by reminding myself of what I have done and what I have accomplished, but instead of having that energize me, it drains me. I’ve read books and tried productivity systems and I’ve tried building habits and so many other things, and yet… I’m still here, frustrated and angry and depressed and a million other things. Again, I’m not comparing myself to Ohtani because he’s such a unicorn, but what I am doing is looking at his motivation to be great to my own lack of motivation to even read a book, let alone writing one.

I’m frustrated because I used to have this insane level of motivation to push myself to become something greater than my own imagination could conjure up, and it’s just gone now. Where did it go? Fuck, it’s frustrating. Where did it go? I don’t know, and I have no idea where to even begin to find it again.